Dear Jean:

I have a 11 yr 9 mth old son. He has been very troubled, crying and extremely sad for the last 3 weeks. When asked he indicated he gets these bad thoughts. They are mostly centered around being sexually excited. He however keeps saying it's really bad and he does not want to be a bad person.

I explained this is a part of growing up but he still keeps saying he did not want these bad thoughts and he thinks he is a bad person.

The problem is that for the last 3 weeks he has not done anything, reading, going out to play, watch TV, he just sits about in a daze.

What do you advise and is this length and severity of mood common ?

Jean responds:

Hi,
It isn't just the mood state per se that worries me in this case, but the accompanying 'daze,' not doing much of anything. This sounds somewhat unusual to me for a child this age.

Your description makes me wonder whether your son is experiencing a reaction to something specific: some event that is troubling him. There are lots of possibilities -- it may be that he has had his first seminal emission -- the shock of this often scares kids and makes them think they're bad, especially if it's associated with some images or fantasies. Or maybe he has just begun to masturbate. More worrisome would be an experience with someone else that is still troubling him because he felt there was something 'wrong' in it (and there may have been if it were a coercive experience) and/or because he nevertheless felt some pleasure during it.

You need to be very gentle with him during this. I suggest you tell him that you love him, are proud of him, KNOW that he is a wonderful person, and would like for him to trust you enough to tell you what, EXACTLY, makes him think JUST NOW that he HAS sexual thoughts and feelings and exactly WHY he thinks this makes him bad....

If he does talk to you, LISTEN AND REFLECT BACK TO HIM what he says: "So you're feeling like you're a bad kid because you thought/felt/did this.... you think that's very bad.... can you tell me what makes you think that's wrong?", etc. LISTEN MORE THAN TALK -- let him do the most of the talking. If he can share with you things about which you can reassure him, that's great.

Your son's symptoms at this time suggest that he may be clinically depressed -- whether from the 'cause' he cites (that he feels guilty about things sexual) or another. In any case, you will not want to ignore these symptoms.

If he cannot talk to you, or if he does but still is feeling awful, tell him he needs to sit with somebody else who has a lot of experience with kids his age and try to talk with them about what's making him feel so bad because it's getting in the way of his being happy. If he's frightened to talk with a professional, offer to go with him. If he won't go and nothing you say does any good, go speak with a professional on your own and try to get some first-hand advice about how to manage this delicate situation.

I advise that you NOT just let this go.

Hope this helps a little.

Jean.

PS: A set of books that might be helpful to him is "What's going on with my body?" and the companion workbook, "My Body/My Self for Boys."

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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