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Dear Jean: I am a male, 14 years old and
I am struggling Jean responds: Hi, I can hear the anxiety in your letter, as you struggle with one part of your identity -- being a strong Christian -- and fear that it terribly contradicts or even condemns another part of you: what you feel may be an emerging identity as a gay young man. Your sexuality is a "work in progress." You are still quite young -- give yourself time to see how your feelings develop. In terms of what makes someone gay, straight, or bisxexual, we do not at present know much about how anybody's sexual orientation develops and becomes established. Some people are exploring biological factors, others are exploring psychological influences. But the thing to keep in mind is that scientists are trying to find out how EVERYONE'S or ANYONE'S sexual preferences develop. Sexuality is pretty much of a mystery to us, still, and needs general exploration, not just exploration of "why gays become that way," as if there were something wrong with them -- or as if we UNDERSTOOD how heterosexuals "get that way," which we don't! What we do know is that many
young people feel themselves to be different in some way in regard
to sexual preference, often beginning around 6th grade or even
earlier. Some of these young people start to notice that instead
of dreaming about love, romance, and happiness with a person
of the opposite sex, these dreams relate to someone of the same
sex. Because most of their peers seem to be daydreaming about
sexual alliances with someone of the opposite sex, this difference
in "orientation" (the direction in which sexual feelings
are turning) makes the same-sex- It is largely because it seems to be so hard for us to talk about varied sexual feelings in our homophobic culture that young people who find themselves attracted to someone of the same sex at your or at any age can feel very alone. IT IS CRUCIAL THAT YOU FIND OTHERS TO TALK TO about what you are feeling, but I don't suggest you go to just anyone because of the bias against homosexuality that pervades the culture. I realize that's one reason you sent in your question -- you don't know whom to go to. There are some online resources that may be of help as a place to start: places where you can talk, i.e., write, confidentially, about your experiences and share these with other young people who may be going through the same thing. Perhaps you've already found some of these (not sure what "gay sites" in your letter refers to). If you do visit such a site, it's important that you choose one that is monitored or moderated -- in other words, that there is an adult who is watching what people post, to prevent the risk of users' being exploited by an adult who visits the site for the wrong reason. Obviously, it is also important never ever to give your real name, any information about where you live, or other personal identity information that could be used by a pedophile or criminal to find you, and never ever agree to meet in person with anyone you "meet" on a web site. A place to begin may be the Youth Resource site, which has a lot of information about young men who think they may be gay, as well as links to other sites. I notice that Youth Resources has a section devoted to Faith traditions and their relationships to sexual orientation. Or go to OutProud.org, published by the National Coalition for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgendered Youth (GLBTY). I am so sorry that so many seem to think the Christian religions universally condemn homosexuality. It is important for you to know that not all Christian religious traditions do so .... for instance, the Methodists and the Presbyterians are reflecting on the place of gays and lesbians in their churches, whether gays can be ordained, etc., as are Catholics. These Christian churches do not present a "united front" that condemns homosexuality. A book that may be helpful is Understanding Sexual Identity : A Book for Gay and Lesbian Teens and Their Friends by Janice E. Rench. Another book that you might find interesting is called, "What the Bible REALLY says about Homosexuality, " by Daniel A. Helminiak, PhD. You may also want to confide in your school counselor, if that person is a trained mental health professional and/or you have a close relationship with him or her. If there is a gay alliance at your school, you may wish to confide in the leader of that group. If you are seriously worried about your feeling state, call a local family services or youth service agency and ask to talk to someone over the phone (and maybe make an appointment to be seen). If you find you are thinking badly enough about yourself to want to hurt yourself, please call 1-800-SUICIDE. Thanks again for writing in and giving me a chance to post this Q&A for other youth who may benefit from reading it. Jean. Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's
response to your question is |
with becoming gay. I am a strong Christian and don't want
to become gay, but I get arroused by men, have fantasies, and
go to gay sites. What do I do!?