Dear Jean: Hello! I'm 14 and I have a problem with my friend. She's great, but she's such a distraction from school. She talks to me in class when I'm trying to work. She criticizes every aspect of school. She hates school in general and thinks it useless. I'm afraid it's rubbing off on me. Don't get me wrong--I love to carry on a conversation with her but my grades are suffering. Is there anything I can do? Besides dump her?

Jean responds:

What a painful situation you find yourself in. Of course you don't want to hurt your friend's feelings; on the other hand, you can't allow her to interfere with your getting your own needs met either. What to do...

In musing on your question, I realize that I don't think any relationship can be a very good one unless the two people in it can talk to each other. So I guess maybe I think it's worth a shot for you to try to have a converation with your friend about her chitter-chatter during class.

Could you say something like,
"You know, friend, I get it that you think school sucks. And maybe you're totally right. I don't know. Right now, though, I'm not ready to sign onto that position 100%. I still feel like trying to make the best of it in class; I'm trying to learn something. I know you probably think that's stupid, but I guess I need for you to respect where I am right now. For instance, it really gets in my way for you to be talking to me in school when I'm trying to work. I feel trapped when you do that--I don't want to lose you as a friend or even hurt your feelings, so I end up giving up what I want in order not to hurt you, but then that doesn't feel very good. Can you just please hold conversation until (name when you would prefer to talk with her)? That would mean a lot to me."

I'm sure you can think up better words, but you get the idea...

The bigger question is, Can you hold onto who you really feel yourself to be, at this time in your life, under the pressure of a peer's different view of things? This could be a really good chance for you to practice being true to yourself--we all need plenty of practice at that!

Good luck! Let me know how it turns out, if you feel like it...

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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