Dear Jean:

My 14 yr old girl is a very bright girl...She has honors in school and for the most part is great.

She has two bad habits that drive me crazy: first she delays EVERYTHING that she is supposed to do, whether it is doing dishes or giving me a note to sign for school..When I confront her about it, I get "Sorry!" I am so tired of hearing "sorry," and I don't know how to make her see that that is not what I am looking for. She thinks that saying sorry just makes up for everything and I don't know how to show her it doesn't.

The second thing is, she will sit down either at the dinner table or watching tv in the living room and ask her brother and sister to get things for her instead of her getting up to do it herself. It drives me crazy. I have tried to explain to her that they are not her little slaves, but she insists on doing it. Please help...I know that these are not quite as serious as some of the issues that you deal with, but to me they are very nervewracking...I would appreciate any advice you could give.

Thank you.

Jean responds:

Hi,

Thanks for writing to parentingadolescents.com.

It's hard not to say, "Count your blessings!" It sounds as if your daughter is great in all the important ways. You have no idea how really blessed you are!

Both of the annoying habits you mention, it seems to me, are not yours to correct (except for delay in performing agreed-upon chores).

The waiting 'til the last minute syndrome is HER concern, not yours, except insofar as it involves performing tasks that are assigned to her around the house, that affect you. To achieve timely performance of chores, you have to set a time limit by which they have to be done, as part of the definition of the chore, with consequences for failure. In this regard, it might be helpful to call up and read Q&A's on chores from the Archives --just type the word chores into the Search box at the site.

But it's not your job, as I see it, to make her see that it's best to do things on time, give herself time, generally. She'll discover this and change her ways or not! But her life is not at risk, and neither is yours. Just let her learn: let her take her falls as a result of this behavior. TRY TO IGNORE IT. Paying attention to it will only drive it in deeper, I guarantee!

If her delay tactics threaten to affect you (e.g., a demand that you do something for her at the last minute), you can calmly refuse to make yourself available to bail her out of trouble, after having warned her that this would be your response in such situations. This would be a way of helping her learn to take responsibility for putting things off to the last minute.

The obnoxious stuff with her sibs is THEIRS to correct, not yours. Let them deal with their demanding sister--they're likely to do a much better job of it than you are. If she's this way with friends, then THEY'LL correct her. Just make an attempt to stay out of it!

It's not your job to create the perfect kid. It's not your job to protect her from getting her feelings hurt, falling down, making mistakes; she has to learn these things on her own.

Young people this age are motivated to "put some distance" between themselves and you. Sounds like your daughter is doing it, royally, by annoying the heck out of you. Step back. Take a deep breath. LET GO! She's not a child any longer.

It may also be helpful to you to read some of the Q&A's on independence and identity, the two driving forces of adolescent behavior. You can find them by typing these words (independence, identity) in the Search box at the site.

Good luck, and welcome to adolescence!

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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