Dear Jean:
I want my 12 year old son to get more involved in school, in order to meet more friends and enjoy his junior high years more, and become more well-rounded. Unfortunately he is not interested in sports or music, so I have told him he should join two clubs and get involved in the school play. He is dragging his feet.
Should I push him (as in nag, scold, making a pest of myself and getting into an argument with him?) Or should I just ease up, be quiet and let him be? I could contact his teachers directly and have them approach him about their specific club, which he might be more receptive to, or it could backfire and he could be angry at me for interfering.
What do you suggest?
By the way, my son is a great kid and he loves junior high. He has the type of personality that holds back and does not dive in initially to anything. His Dad and I have always "pushed" him to participate in team sports and other activities. Thanks!

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for writing to parentingadolescents.com. Here are my thoughts about your junior high son:

"Should I push him (as in nag, scold, making a pest of myself and getting into an argument with him?)"
No.

"Or should I just ease up, be quiet and let him be?"
Yes.

"I could contact his teachers directly and have them approach him about their specific club, which he might be more receptive to or it could backfire and he could be angry at me for interfering."
Good point. I suggest not intervening, at least not yet.

This is a very delicate age. His brain and body will change more in the next few years than they did during infancy and toddlerhood. He has a lot on his plate. Let him find his sea legs--if you panic and push, (a) it won't work and (b) you risk his feeling like there really is something wrong with him. Even though he's likely to resist your suggestion--and your interpretation of how he should be--you are still so powerful to him that you may undermine his self-confidence, his feeling that HE CAN FIND HIS WAY.

And he CAN.

Step back. Take a deep breath. Give him some space.

His way may not be your way. He is at the age when he may begin to experiment with the idea that he doesn't have to live his life for you. He doesn't have to be what you want him to be--and the clearer you are that you're disappointed in what he is, the less he may be motivated to change. Because he'd be changing for YOU, not for HIM. At this age they begin to struggle toward becoming their own person, not necessarily the person you've decided they should be or that you need/want them to be.

Reading some of the Q&A's in the Archives might be helpful--search on identity,autonomy.

Hope this helps a little. You're lucky to have a great kid.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

top of page