Isn't there something we can do about the way our son looks? He has begun dressing "weird," and at times looks so "scruffy" that his appearance embarrasses us. When he's with us, can we insist that he dress and groom appropriately?

Karen responds:

The short answer to your second question is "yes." But the more important question is, should you? The answer to this question is more complicated and not so short.

If your teenager is dressing in bizarre, seemingly untasteful ways, and presenting her/himself poorly groomed, by nearly anybody's standards, it is probably as a way of asserting his autonomy---a way of saying:

"I get to dress in a way that I like, not necessarily a way that you approve of, Mom and/or Dad!"

He is probably also very aware of and sensitive to other teens and their way of dressing. The need to be accepted by the peer group at this age is as paramount as the need to feel and express autonomy.

Teens find many ways of asserting their autonomy--from benign to very serious--to assert their needs and rights for independence. Allowing them to assert their differences from you in innocent ways may mean they will be less likely to assert their independence in more dangerous ways.

Be as tolerant as you can, which is not to say that "anything goes."

My sister reached a compromise with her adolescent son in which he agreed to wear nice pants and a nice shirt when they went to dressy occasions but in exchange he got to wear his old beat up sneakers.

(See questions related to autonomy, attitude, independence, messy rooms.)

Karen

Disclaimer: Ms. Martin's responses to questions are intended to be educational and informative. They are not a substitute for face-to-face psychotherapy or consultation with a mental health professional.