Hi,
Thanks for writing to ParentingAdolescents.com. Although disagreements with teens are par for the course and likely to increase at the entrance to high school, I think it's a good sign that both of you are getting tired of the frequent arguing. Probably, you need as the parent to look at the way you talk to and with your son, to see if you're being drawn into power struggles.

As you seem to be recognizing, teens begin to push the limits as they strive for increased autonomy. This is a good thing. They need to become more independent and to begin to learn how to run their own lives. It's painful to us as parents to see our children begin to have to differentiate themselves from us, to begin to take on their own identities when in the past they've always modeled themselves after us or admired and looked up to us. During their adolescent years, they have a unique opportunity--and a real drive--to try to re-examine what we've lived by and taught them to live by. It's a positive but often a painful process. When they begin to be testy and critical, it's actually a signal of growth, the beginning of a new developmental stage. This new stage is hard for them--and us--to adjust to but is perfectly normal. 

Often arguments occur when the teen striving for more independence bumps against the parent who is striving to get the teen to continue to recognize his/her authority to set some limits. The parent, not wanting to alienate the teen, may 'argue' for the rightness of his/her decision-making with regard to setting a limit in some area of the teen's behavior. This is a mistake. As parents, we are responsible for making decisions that seem to us to be in our children's best interests, even though we cannot prove that we are 'right'--we also can't prove that the teen is 'wrong' for thinking our decision is wrong or mean or ruining his life--and telling us so.

I'm not saying parents should 'lay down the law.' Arbitrary rule-making doesn't work for the very reason I cited above--that teens are seeking increased independence, and if you don't begin to give them more choices and control over their lives, they are likely to either (a) wrest that control from you by means foul or fair or (b) implode into dependency and fail to develop their sense of themselves as responsible, independent people. The infamous record of the boot camp approach is a case in point.

Nor am I saying that you don't need to listen to your teen. This, above all, is a parent's first duty. You need to listen respectfully--really listen--as your teen presents his/her case for this or that permission (or his/her opinion on this or that question). Frankly, kids often have good ideas that adults would do well to take in. It is even more important to listen without judgment to your teen's feelings about anything (if you are lucky enough to have a child that knows how to and is willing to share feelings!). It might be helpful to search the Archives on 'communication' or 'listening.'

But having listened to your son and really considered whether you can, for instance, give him permission in a certain area or maybe agree with what he says or one part of what he says on a certain issue, you're still responsible, if a decision is called for, to make the decision that you think is in his best interests. However, don't expect him to understand why you refuse a request or make the decision you make--don't expect him necessarily to be happy about it! And just refuse to argue about it. Acknowledge his contrary opinion or feeling about something and his right to have that opinion or feeling, but refuse to get into a struggle about it.

If you respect his need for increased independence and the right to form his own opinions and to re-examine values you've taught him, and simply refuse to argue in areas where you have to exert your authority, he'll still have times of feeling close to you, which he may be able to enjoy. It is precisely the respecting of his independence and boundaries that will help him feel safe enough to relax into still enjoying closeness to you some of the time.

Hope this helps a little. If I haven't covered the ways you argue or things you argue about, feel free to write back.

Jean.