Should we punish our son for his attitude problems? Sometimes he can be very gracious when addressing us, but at other times, he uses language he never picked up in our house and which he knows we don't accept, or he'll mutter complaints under his breath in response to the simplest request.

Shouldn't we insist on respect?

Karen responds:

Adolescents are notorious for their bad attitudes. "Attitude" was the winner in a poll done at this website which asked parents to choose, from among 27 possible issues, their "top 3."

Your son is probably more apt to be gracious when addressing you under two conditions: one, when he wants something from you and two, when he is feeling very confident and secure about being Independent. At most other times his attitude may live on a continuum of bad to worse.

Having an "attitude" is one of the most common ways that adolescents try to establish distance from you emotionally and try to feel separate and independent of you. The major challenge for your teen is to become secure and confident in himself as an independent person.

You can insist on respect ("respect" was the 2nd most often chosen as among the "top 3" issues for parents of teens) but that doesn't mean you'll get it. Since "bad attitudes" are relatively harmless expressions of independence, I generally recommend that you ignore them. Of course if you can't you can't. But my point is that there are going to be so many more serious issues that will need to be confronted with your son during the next few years that if it were I, I'd save my energy for the more life-affecting ones.

Besides if your son feels you accept his right to be sullen and distant emotionally, he will feel reassured that he and you are surviving his need to be more independent and he may not have to prove his independence in other more challenging and potentially harmful ways.

If his attitude is so offensive that you can't stand it, for instance if he swears at you, see questions in the archives related to consequences and setting limits (see also questions related to autonomy and independence and power struggles as well).

Karen

Disclaimer: Ms. Martin's responses to questions are intended to be educational and informative. They are not a substitute for face-to-face psychotherapy or consultation with a mental health professional.