Dear Karen:

I am a 14 year old female and I am generally a "good kid." The worst thing that I've done to disobey my parents is that I've forgotten to do a chore, or I don't listen as well as I should at times. I love my parents and everything, but sometimes they're the most frustrating people in the world.

I would appreciate it if you would give me advice on a subject that I have a real problem with.

During my summer vacation, my parents expect me to babysit my younger sister every day. My parents don't pay me for this or anything and I rarely get days off. This means that I don't get to do anything with my friends during the day, because I have to be at home to watch my sister. When I was her age, I had to attend a daycare program every day (which I hated) and my sister will never have to do this. When she's my age, she'll be free to do whatever she wants during the summer - she won't have a younger sibling to watch. As much as I try to reason with my parents, they tell me that watching my sister is part of my responsibility to my family. I realize this, and I wouldn't mind watching her part of the time, but this will be my last summer that I'll really be free from the burden of a summer job or something, and I want to enjoy it with my friends - not my sister.

Do you think I'm acting selfish, or should my parents let me have a little more free time? I would appreciate your opinion on the matter. Thanks!

Karen responds:

Dear Babysitter:

Well this is a tough question. The simple answer to your question is that of course, at the age of 14 you ought to have plenty of free time to enjoy your summer. I agree that watching your sister some of the time is not unreasonable for your parents to expect. It is not uncommon for older sisters and brothers to pitch in by babysitting for younger ones. But what I hear you telling me is that the expectation is that you watch your sister every day all day. This seems excessive. On the other hand I don't know why your parents are making this decision. If they both work and there are not other day care options available, and if they can't afford to pay for a babysitter then I can see how they would need to insist that you take care of her. If your younger sister has certain kinds of emotional sensitivities and would react with a great deal of upset, for some reason, if she were taken care of by a babysitter outside the family, then I could imagine your parents deciding that they didn't have any choice but to rely on you all day every day.

Regardless of what the circumstances are, I don't think you are selfish to object to having no free time during the week to spend with your friends. It is normal for you to feel upset not to be with your friends when they are out and about being with each other. It makes sense that you would be wanting some relief from your babysitting to be with your friends. There is nothing wrong with your feelings. For whatever reason your parents seem unwilling to budge on this issue. It doesn't make them bad people if they decide you need to do this and it doesn't make you a selfish person if you feel sad and angry about having to do it.

Most parents don't understand how important it is for teen-agers to spend time with their friends. Your parents may well underappreciate how "big a deal" this is for you. If you are literally needing to be at home all day (9:00 to 5:00, let's say) every day, or at least each work day, then I do believe that if possible they should let you have a bit more free time. I can't know what their thoughts about this are, though, or what the circumstances are that led them to make this decision. But, I reiterate, there is nothing wrong with you wanting and wishing that you could have more time with your friends this summer.... in my opinion this does not make you a selfish person.

Hope this helps, and thanks for your question.

Karen
Disclaimer : Ms. Martin's response to your parenting question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face-to-face psychotherapy or consultation with a mental health professional.