Dear Jean:

I think of myself as a normal teenager. I get great
grades and have never been in trouble for anything more than a smart mouth. My parents have very high expectations for me which I try to meet. I'm constantly being reminded of my intelligence and my abliity. I recently had a boyfriend. (I'll call him "James.") "James" and I dated for over a year. We had so much fun together and cared a lot about each other. We had a lot in common; religion, beliefs, goals, interests, gymnastics, to name a few. We
were on the same level and we had some of the most wonderful, intelligent conversations. We never got involoved physically in any way. My parents were really accepting and let me do most things, within reason. I had a great relationship with both my parents and everyone was happy.

Towards the end of our relationship, "James" was dealing with some difficult things. He had just quit gymnastics and there was an illness in the family. Needless to say he was under a lot of stress. We eventuaally broke up. At first I was crushed, but I guess that's to be expected of your first love. We went our separate ways, talking only occasionally. "James" got into some trouble and he made a lot of stupid mistakes. He tried pot. He acted very immature. The choices he made were very unlike him and it seemed that he'd lost sight of his goals. I would talk to his sister every now and then online to check up on him. She told me about him trying pot. "James" even made up rumors about he and another girl to impress his friends. I would often save these conversations or print them out. I really didn't think anything of it and I thought my parents respected my privacy enough not to read them, but I was wrong. They knew everything, but they didn't say anything right away.

Over time "James" realized that he'd lost sight of what was really important to him, the respect of others. He changed his immature ways and got his life back on track. He made the speech team and he felt really good about himself. I was there to give him positive support from time to time. We eventually became interested in each other again, and had totally forgotten about his mistakes. We had put them behind us. He started calling and we talked just like old times. I told my Mom How great "James" was and how proud I was of him. She seemed happy for me. She even took him out to lunch one day.

Later that week, I asked to go out to the movies with "James" and some of our mutual friends. My dad exploded in anger. He told me I was never to speak to "James" again because he was a bad influence and a horrible person. My Mom backed him up. I was devastated. My parents denied looking at my personal conversations, although I knew they had. I still continue to see him when I can. I hate going behind my parents' backs, but I don't think I have any other choice. I try to make them understand how I feel. Forbidding me to see him is only making me want to be with him more. I feel terrible lying to them but I have to follow my feelings. They don't know him, they only know of his mistakes. I don't understand why they don't trust me
enough to make postive decisions because as I mentioned earlier they're always reminding of my ability. I'm a good kid. I would never disappoint them by doing something stupid. I'm sick of lying to them, but I need to make my own mistakes and learn from them, especially in matters of love. I can't continue to be controlled and I don't want to ruin my relationship with them any more. How can I make them understand? I've tried talking to them reasonably but they don't respect my feelings. I understand that if I
act like an adult about the situation then they'll treat me like one, but that hasn't been working. I cry myself to sleep at night because I feel like I'm just waiting for time to pass. I understand that they are only trying to protect me. I would probably do the same for my daughter. "James" wants to prove himself to them, but I don't think they'll ever give him a chance. How do I "reintroduce" "James" to them? I'm sure if they actually knew him they'd realize that I haven't made a bad choice. Do you have any suggestions on my situation?

Sincerely,
I'm Sick of Lying

Jean responds:

Dear Sick of Lying:

Thanks for visiting www.parentingadolescents.com and for your question.

I think your parents have made two serious parenting mistakes: invading your privacy by reading your email (if they have--you sound sure) and forbidding you to see "James." Both actions are disrespectful and don't work.

Forbidding a teenager to see someone is useless--there's no way to monitor whether the teen sees them or not. Almost always, just as you have done, the teen, if they really care about the "forbidden" person, will see that person anyway behind the parents' back, then feel guilty for doing so.

You have two choices, as I see it:

(a) Keep your feelings for "James" and the fact of your seeing him to yourself, and tolerate the guilty feelings and the emotional wedge that this drives between you and your parents.

(b) Come clean with your parents and show them this letter, as well as others you may wish to print out from the Archived Q&A's at the web site (find them by searching at the site on words like privacy, peers, forbidden boyfriend, autonomy). Tell them that you've chosen to let them know that you will continue to see your friend, in spite of their attempt to forbid this behavior, because you value your relationship with them and don't want to lie. Ask them to appreciate that this young man has been strong enough to recover from mistakes made, and that this is a wonderful sign of strong character. Let them know that they cannot control your behavior in this part of your life, and that you want to feel close to them again. Express your disappointment at their having invaded your privacy, if they did, around reading your email messages, and ask them in future to respect your privacy, as you respect theirs.

Either option may still leave you crying at night. The truth is, you are separating from your parents, examining the values they espouse, and choosing what is right for you. It is often a painful and lonely process. But you know that they do what they do out of love, and they are just mistaken, that's all. It's hard to parent an adolescent, and your parents are of course doing their best. It's important for you, however, to figure out what you really feel and think is right for you, even if your parents don't agree. If you then choose to act on your own best thoughts and feelings, you have to take the consequences--which may include either being less than honest with your parents, on the one hand, or "facing the music" of their anger and disappointment on the other.

Good luck to you, your parents, and "James." I hope that many parents will read your letter and understand what havoc is wreaked when parents invade kids' privacy and then attempt to forbid them to see someone, when such prohibitions are not enforceable.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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