Dear Jean:

I am an 11 year old girl going to a private GIRLS' school.This makes my problem even harder. My mom still treats me as if I were 5. I mean, she won't even let me choose my own clothes. She is always strange. She is very
over protective. I don't talk to her because she doesn't understand. How can I break it to her that I will start changing and she can't help it? Her rules are stupid. I also think she is trying to get my mind off these things by surrounding me with classes. I have homework. How can I change my habits? as in, going to bed earlier by starting
homework earlier. This is somewhat impossible.

Thank you very much.

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for visiting www.parentingadolescents.com and for sending in a question.

Eleven is a tough age to be. You are completely right that you are beginning changes over which your parents have no control. This period of growth and change does not, however, have to be a nightmare. When parents understand what is going on with kids during their adolescence, they can help the kid to understand and tolerate the changes and learn to make the most of these
years.

I suggest you ask your parents to read Q&A's in the Archives at the web site on "eleven," pre-teen, communication, autonomy, and identity. You can
find these by searching on those terms. Perhaps you could print out some of these that contain the message you want to deliver to your parents.

They could also send me e-mail of their own.

Concerning your homework situation: I think it's great that you are taking responsibility for worrying about your habits around putting off homework and then having to stay up late. As you become an adolescent, you will be taking responsibility for more and more areas of your own life. You need to do this so that when you are finally an adult, you will have had a lot of practice in seeing how things work and in understanding the relationship between actions and their consequences!

If you care about what grades you get at school, then the consequences of not getting the homework done or of not getting to bed at a reasonable hour (those consequences being, lower grades and/or being tired in class), may be
enough to spur you on to find a way to get your homework done early. One idea: ask a pal who may have a similar problem to join with you in pledging to not do anything else at all (no phone, TV, computer, email, etc.) during a 'homework hour' that you set up: say, 6-7 in the evening, or whatever time would work for you. You could call one another at the beginning of this time, then at the end, and check in to see if you got the homework all done. If you don't feel able to do this on your own, you could ask for your parents to support you by enforcing a 'study hour' each evening, during which they helped keep you from making phone calls, or doing anything else, until the homework was done.

I don't know why your mother won't allow you to choose your own clothes. You need increasing freedom to make your own choices, which isn't to say there aren't also to be limits set by your parents. But in the clothing
department, I think kids deserve the widest possible latitude to express who they are by how they dress (within the limits of parents' budget) and to take the consequences thereof. You may want to print out our Q&A on "appearance" in the Archives at the web site, for your parents.

Hope this helps a little. Feel free to write back.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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