Dear Jean:

My parents are having such a hard time accepting my relationship with my very best friend. Now that we are teenagers, it is so hard for my parents to let me go out with her, every shopping together seems to be a big deal and will soon turn out to be a big fight. When I was younger, my parents loved my best friend - there didn't seem to be any problem. But now that we have grown up my parents have turned so sour. My dad believes all she is doing is chasing boys and is jealous of me and is trying to wreck my future. My mum also thinks she is a bad influence. My mum and her friends have gossip times in her shop and my best friend normally comes up in the conversation and it also goes to my dad. The gossip is really hurtful and mum knows how I feel, but she won't stop! You see the gossip is that my best friend is sleeping around, drinking a lot and is in a bad environment. You see my parents have high hopes for, after next year, I will hopefully go to university, and they believe I am in a very promising path of my life. Just a couple of days ago, my parents had a fight with me when I wanted to go over to my friend's place. It is getting a lot harder these days and I don't want to choose between them. When I go to university, my best friend and I plan to share an apartment. But my parents are against the whole idea. What can I do to tell my parents that my BF(best friend) is not like what others say when she is around me? I am currenty attending boarding school and the only one that writes to me is my BF, my parents could care less. Please help me....I want to get a life and my parents are too controlling....talking to them about it doesn't help..it only turns into a big fight....please help.

Jean responds:

Hi,
I hear your desperation. And your sadness and aloneness. I would hope that your parents could hear these feelings as well. I understand fully why you want to maintain a relationship with this friend, as she is the one who seems to be standing by you, supporting you while you are at boarding school. Also, you have known her since childhood.

Of course I can understand your parents' fears as well, but trying to forbid you to see her doesn't work, of course, because they can't enforce that (they won't know if you see her or not). But I know that you would like much more from them: you want them to understand that your friend is worthwhile, that she hasn't changed into a different person now that she's an adolescent. Your knowing that about her is no doubt what draws your best friend to you! And it's an admirable quality.

But chances seem slim that your parents will understand what this girl means to you. Perhaps the best you can hope for is to let your parents know that I--and other experts on rearing adolescents--suggest that parents allow their teens to work out their own relationships with their peers, and that, while you know they only want the best for you, they can't run your whole life, and you need to be able to make judgments for yourself, especially in terms of who you hang out with. Maybe you could ask them to read this email. They could also, of course, write me their own letter.

Ask your parents to judge the effect of this friend on you by your own behavior. If you neglect your responsibilities or become obnoxious or behave in risky ways after you've seen this friend, or while you are with her, then they have some concrete evidence that her effect on you is deleterious. But if no evidence is there, they don't have the right to "decide" what her effect on you is or will be.

Your parents love you, but sometimes parents go a little nuts when their kids hit adolescence and become all over-controlling and impossible. Maybe you could also print out some of the Q&A's stored at the web site on peer relationships and independence and give them to your parents to read.

Good luck, you sound like a really neat teen.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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