Dear Jean:

I am a 19 year old female, who feels really bad about her physical appearance. I am overweight, have a skin discoloration problem (it has gotten better since I started tanning) and I don't like my breasts. They have these big white spots all over them (I don't know what they are). It's more of a cosmetic problem for me.

Is there any way I can improve some of these problems, and learn to feel good about myself? I am afraid that no man will ever find me sexually attractive, and I desperately crave male attention.
I could really use your advice. Everyone just seems to dismiss my concerns as insignificant, but they really bother me. I want to be pretty like the women in movies and magazines, that men lust after. I am tired of never being noticed. Please help. Thanks.

Jean responds:

Hi,

Thanks for writing to parentingadolescents.com.

You are certainly not alone in your anguish over not looking like the women in movies and magazines that men (supposedly) lust after. The truth is, the women in movies and magazines have made a profession out of looking a certain way. Their profession has demanded many sacrifices, including, very often, cosmetic surgery, strict diets, and other regimens that are physically demanding and expensive, as well as psychologically difficult. And even then, the photographers must often improve their appearance by technical means before their images are "dished up" to the general public. They truly earn their money!

If you would like to investigate plastic surgery, go right ahead. It may be worth it for you: depending on the cost and how/whether you could cover it, a plastic surgeon might be able to help you with the white spots on your breasts. Or not. At least you could find out if there are realistic alternatives to doing what most of the rest of us have to do which is, alas, making peace with the body we've been given.

Whatever you do, it's going to be because YOU aren't comfortable with your body the way it is. It is not realistic to believe that no MAN would ever be attracted to you because of imperfections in your body: at that rate, no man would ever be attracted to most of the women walking around on the face of the earth! Sane men fall in love with real women, who have major imperfections in their bodies (if that's what you want to call them), because the basis of love is NOT physical appearance! Look around! How many unattractive women do you see married happily to attractive men? Plenty! Falling in love is about chemistry generated by one's particular personality, much more than about anything else.

But if you FEEL like you look terrible under your clothes, you may project an air of low self esteem, and this, a part of your personality, may actually be unattractive to men, as well as to other women who might be your friends. I'd suggest that you:

(a) Work with a nutritionist regarding the way what you eat, the way you exercise, and what supplements you use can affect physical appearance as well as health.
(b) Find out from a dermatologist and/or cosmetic surgeon whether the white spots can be lessened, if they really bother you.
(c) Talk with a counselor about why you seem to feel that no one would find you loveable simply because you have bodily imperfections -- this is NOT realistic.

Good luck,

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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