A teen writes:

Hello. How are you today? I just have a situation here that needs some attending to, and I was hoping that possibly you could help me.

I am a 15 year old responsible young adult, and my parents do not trust me. You see, I have been going out with this amazing guy for about a month now, and all has been going well up until now. My parents think that recently we have been seeing too much of each other, so they decided that I could only see him on the weekends. And if that wasn't hard enough, they are now limiting my actual time that we spend together. This is getting out of hand because they keep lessening the time that we spend together, and probably soon they won't even let me see him at all. This is torture for me. They think that we are having sex or "sexually experimenting" with each other, which is completely false. I don't know what to do because of this. I mean, doesn't it make more sense to them that if they limit our time together, that that will make us have sexual tension and then every time that we see each other that we would have sex? I mean, I really don't understand. I have tried talking to them, but they won't listen and they end up yelling at me...and then I get grounded. They are old fashioned and stubborn and just won't listen! I need help! What should I do? Please write back asp. thanks!

Karen responds:

Well, first of all I am truly impressed with how well you express yourself. Great question and well written! I'm sure we'll want to use it as Teen Question of the Week.

Parents get very worried, especially I think, about daughters, when romance is in the air. Adults know how intense it is for kids when they first start dating and feel romantic and sexual feelings for each other. I am sure your parents are worried about whether you will be able to exercise good judgment and reasonable control over your sexual and romantic interests. It seems clear that this is why they have started pulling in the reins and limiting your time with your boyfriend. I am a little confused about how involved you are with your "amazing guy." But the point is that your parents are worried.

I agree that in general it doesn't work very well for parents to try to limit contact too much in these situations. That action does tend to intensify feelings that boyfriends and girlfriends have for each other. On the other hand I think that some limits are probably a good idea. For instance I generally agree that teens should not be allowed to seclude themselves in one or another part of the house and I also think it is not a bad idea for parents to make a rule that visits in the house between boyfriends and girlfriends should not take place when parents are out of the house.

In my experience the best way for teens to reassure their parents that they are responsible and mature enough to handle situations is by behaving in mature and responsible ways in other areas of their lives. For instance doing well academically is usually a sign of maturity. So is being responsible about whatever other expectations parents have... such as daily chores and curfew and generally following rules that parents establish. (I do think that teens ought to be able to keep their bedrooms whatever way they want... that ought to be a "free zone" where parents don't set the standards for neatness and cleanliness.)

While I generally agree that it usually backfires when parents try to interfere too much with teens' relationships, romantic and otherwise, that is not to say that teens always exercise good judgment when they are given various and certain freedoms. I think that your best approach is to try to understand where your parents are coming from and to communicate this to them in a caring, not a critical way. It is okay then to communicate with them that you would like a chance to demonstrate that you are mature enough to handle situations. Throwing tantrums and developing sullen, defiant attitudes towards them probably won't get you very far. You might want to suggest that they visit the Webpage.

Finally, I realize that I have no idea how old your "amazing guy" is. If he is very much older than you, more than a couple of years, this will add to your parents' concern, and in my opinion rightly so. Eighteen and nineteen year old young men generally have very different ideas about what they want to be doing with their girlfriends than younger guys do. Also, if your "amazing guy" is not showing signs of his own maturity and responsibility because of the way he is living his life then this might be another reason that your parents are particularly concerned. And finally, once again, I don't know how you are doing in other areas of your life, like I mentioned above. If you are not handling school or daily home responsibilities reasonably and maturely then this will also be cause for alarm on the part of your parents and may be a reason that they are being so restrictive of you.

Hope this helps... let me know more about the things I've mentioned if you feel like it. Good luck, and thanks again for your question.
Karen
Disclaimer : Ms. Martin's response to your parenting question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face-to-face psychotherapy or consultation with a mental health professional.