I have been having problems with my boyfriend for the last couple of days. We barely talk anymore and we don't go anywhere anymore. He says that he still wants to be with me and that he loves me and what not and he makes me feel better about us...then like 2 minutes later, it gets bad again. My best friend and my close friend told me that I should end it with him, but I can't because I feel that I love him. I don't know what I would do without him. Please anyone try to give me some advice..it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much.

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for writing to parentingadolescents.com.

It feels so good to have a boyfriend--like you are included among the girls who are likeable and attractive, instead of feeling left out or having to worry that no boy will like you.

But the joy of being with someone who likes you and whom you like is overshadowed or actually begins to lessen when one of the partners is feeling ambivalent (feeling two different ways) about the relationship. It sounds as if maybe your boyfriend is in that place right now--he both wants to be with you and doesn't.

At your age, boys and girls feel ambivalent a lot; it can feel so good to be with someone, but at the same time a boy or girl can feel trapped if they always have to be only with this one other boy or girl.

When you feel as if you can't stand not to be with the other person, even though they may not want to anymore, it is a sign that you have become dependent on that person, and that's not such a good place to be. You don't know what you would do if you dropped him: of course you would be in pain, as we all are at separations, but if you really feel you couldn't survive losing him, you need to talk to someone like the counselor at your school about this degree of dependency. Dependency is not love.

Here are some books that may also be helpful in this complicated situation; they are sold at Amazon.com at low cost:

How can you tell if you're really in love? - and -

Totally Me, the Teenage Girl's Survival Guide.

Hope this helps a little.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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