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So I don't know if you can help or not.. but
it's worth a try.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost
one year now. My parents found out about our relationship in a not
so good way. (I was sneaking around behind their backs.. oops!)
Anyway, I learned my lesson, and they were then able to meet him on
better terms. Everything was going fine, then all of a sudden they
decided they didn't like him. They told me several times I'm not
allowed to see him and eventually told me I can't date him anymore.
I tried my best to explain how I felt, but to no avail.
I understand how they
are worried about age and him not being in high school. He's 18 and
I'll be 17 in a week. He dropped out of high school to help his
mom earn money, but he's getting his GED. With my birthday coming up
I want to talk to my parents and get them to let me see him. My
boyfriend also wants me to move four States away with him and his
mom at the end of the summer. We've worked everything out, but I
don't have the courage to talk to my parents about it. I just know
that they'll hate it.
What my question is, is could you please offer
some advice on how to get my parents to see my side? I want them to
be around my boyfriend more so that they can see what a good guy he
is and to also prep them for the big question about moving. (And to
get them to let me see him!)
Jean responds:
Hi,
Thanks for writing to
ParentingAdolescents.com.
There are times when teens feel trapped: you
were sneaking around seeing this boy when your parents didn't know.
Then they find out, you introduce him to them, and instead of this
turning out to be better, it turns out to be a disaster for you
and your boyfriend.
I do not advise parents to forbid adolescents
from seeing each other--whether peers or boyfriends/
girlfriends. First of all, the parents cannot
really enforce this provision. Apparently, you are willingly going
along with your parents' prohibition for now--not seeing your
boyfriend? Though it is not clear to me how you've worked everything
out for the move with him and his mom, without seeing him at all. In
any case, you are planning to move quite a distance away at the
end of the summer. So I wouldn't say that your parents' prohibition
is working very well.
Although I can understand your parents' upset
at this boy's having dropped out of school, I would think it
admirable that he is supporting his mother and is also planning to
get his GED. That is a lot more responsible than many teens would
be.
Perhaps the
thing you should focus on is less what your parents think of this
young man and what you think of him!
They will not be living with him and
his mom. This is a serious decision for you to be considering, and
you ought to be sure that you have examined the pros and cons.
Did you have other plans for what you would be doing at the end
of the summer? Would you be giving up these plans? How do you really
feel about that? Is he considerate of whatever these plans are? Why
does he have to support his mother? How long is this likely to go
on? Is this mother exploiting your affection for her son--getting
you to move with them so that she can get her son to move with her?
It's a very intense situation--having you move away with this boy
and his mom. I tend to ask why this other mother would even consider
letting you do so without thoroughly talking it over with your
parents. For her to just be planning this in the absence of consent
from your parents strikes me as irresponsible. It may even be
illegal for her to move you out of State without parental permission
(unless you'll be 18 by then?).
I get that you dread bringing up this plan to
your parents, and I can certainly understand why! I think you must
be contemplating this move with some considerable dread
yourself--or at least with some anxiety.
You sound really
intelligent--I can tell from your writing. Do you have plans to go
to college? Would these be scrapped if you moved away with this boy
and his mother?
If you give up too much for a relationship,
especially this early in your life, I am afraid in the long run you
will resent it, and that can ruin the relationship itself.
I think you're going
to have to give it another go with your parents. You'll soon be
18, and in most States, this means your parents no longer have a
legal right or obligation to take responsibility for you. Perhaps
you should remind them that you will soon be of age and that it is
your plan to spend considerable time with this young man, that the
relationship is that serious, and so if they are refusing to
interact with him now they are just limiting themselves--and you--in
terms of their getting to know him and maybe even to have some
influence over the ways in the future that you will choose to be
with him. You might mention the admirable bit about his supporting
his mom and working for his GED. You might also want to reassure
them that you have no intention of completely giving up your plans
for your own life (and I sincerely hope that's true!).
If you can be mature
in this way, your parents may come around. They want your happiness.
They want to act responsibly. They are trying to look out for you.
Let them see that you have thought through these things yourself and
invite them to get to know this boy better since, even though you
may now comply with their prohibition of your seeing him, in the
future when you are your own boss, you plan to be with him in one
way or another. I think they will admire your mature stance and your
clarity.
Good
luck! |
educational
and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation
or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.