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Dear Jean: It was interesting to not see
any subtitles in your Jean responds: Hi, There seems to be a lack of balance in your concern for your son's behavior. Setting a car on fire is very serious, it seems to me. On the other hand, I think it's a mistake to intervene at the level of what clothes your son wears or what music he downloads. While objectionable to adult taste, and while I recognize that some of the music the kids listen to is obnoxious and morally offensive, these are RELATIVELY harmless ways for him to express his individuality. He is trying to say, "I am not you!" He is also trying to demonstrate that you do not control his life. Your minute scrutiny of your son's behaviors, appearance, etc., may be driving him both away from you and into activities that are far more harmful than just dressing weird and listening to bad music..... Please read the material at the web site on independence and identity (type those words into the Search box at the site and click on Search). You probably need to let go some, on the one hand, and on the other, to talk to your son about how he is experiencing his life: does he feel relatively "okay" about how things are going for him? If not, what might be bothering him? What does he say about the fire-setting incident? Are there signs of depression? -- take a look at our Counseling page for info on what to look for in terms of whether you should seek professional help. PS: The entry "appearance/dress" in the Archives appears to address at least one of your issues. When using the Archives, it's probably most efficient to use the Search function (find the Search box and type in topic words). Jean. Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's
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that matched mine. My 15 year old is doing great in school, has
a job, and has somewhat of a good head on his shoulders. Over
the summer he visited some old friends and was caught setting
a car on fire. We have been through the courts and he has suffered
the grounding and is paying restitution. I have given him his
space back and he was starting to gain back my trust but when
I put my foot down on some clothes that were size 2xx he completely
changed. I think that the clothes that I allow him to wear are
what most of the kids are wearing (baggy) but these were completely
out of the question for his 29" waist. He completely rebelled
but I stood my ground and would not let him wear them especially
since we made a deal on how he would save his money and he bought
these behind my back. It came to a head again when I listened
to some of the music that he downloaded off of the internet.
Now, I don't mind rap but what he had downloaded was nothing
but hatred and full of vulgar language, which I know that he
has heard and I have said but not in that context. Am I out of
line when I say "no" to these things or am I missing
something?