Dear Jean:
I would like to ask for your input on allowances and clothing allowances. My (almost) fifteen year old daughter has strong opinions on what clothing she "needs," yet many of them seem to be of the current brand name variety with no attention to price. I want to help her learn how to budget her money and be reasonable in her expectations.

I suggested a clothing allowance, but I am not even sure where to begin with this: what should it incorporate in order to be reasonable and a teaching tool...clothing, toiletries, makeup....?

My husband presently prefers to deal with each request individually, not wanting her to be limited by a set amount each week or month. If she needs jeans or underwear or shirts, we need to get them for her. The issue is, while I am happy with a $50 pair of jeans, she wants/needs the brand name pair for $100.

I scanned through your archives and don't see a similar question. Do you have any suggestions for my daughter and me? Any budget guidelines? It is a very sore point for both of us, enough so that we are already anticipating the issues Spring might hold!

Thanks for your help.

Jean responds:

Hi,

It's not unusual for teens and parents to go toe-to-toe over this clothing thing... Here are some general principles I think might be helpful to you in managing the issue with your daughter:

1. An assertiveness-training principle, viz., "Everyone is free to make a request. Everyone is free to deny a request." Don't make your daughter wrong for wanting everything, and for wanting it to be of the latest brand, regardless of price. This is typical of adolescents -- they want, and to some degree even "need," to imitate peers. They are trying to find their identity, and whom do they look to? - you guessed it, their peers. None of the teens knows how to feel like he/she is "okay," so everybody is prone to hysterical fear of being considered "out" by their friends (which is going to happen to each of them, at some time or another, but which feels like it has to be avoided "at all costs," including the high cost of brand-name clothing).

The way she learns that she can't have everything (even though she wants it), and that the cost of items is a realistic factor, is by how you respond to her individual requests. I think Dad's on the right track here, regarding responding to each request individually. If you are not comfortable with spending as much money as she thinks it takes to get what she wants, just tell her so. You can say something like, "I'm not willing to spend $100 on jeans. $50 is the limit. I hope you can find something you'll be pleased with for that amount." If she asks why the limit, tell her the truth: either you simply cannot afford it, or you simply don't believe in spending a great deal of money on clothes for kids, and so you're not comfortable with spending more.

• She is not wrong to want/ask;
• You are not wrong to say "no" when this response reflects your best judgment.
• She is not wrong to have a reaction to being told no.

When she gets emotional at a rejection of her request, she's expressing her real feelings -- listen respectfully, reconsider your decision if you think it warranted, or, if not, tell her, "I'm sorry this feels so hurtful to you, but my decision stands."

2. She may be able to learn something about budgeting if you give her an allowance intended to cover certain minor expenses, e.g., the toiletries/cosmetics thing and/or an "enterainment" allowance. Discuss with her what her needs are in this area, and come to terms which you can accept -- don't be swayed from what you think is rational, on the one hand, nor closed to hearing her real needs and wishes, on the other. See if you can "negotiate" an amount that will feel okay to both of you. List, in writing, what exact items the allowance is to cover, for what period of time, and then give it a trial run. After the first month/week or whatever period of time you set up, have another conversation as to how it's working out. Again, be open to her input, but arrive at terms that you can agree to. If she's done a great job budgeting, praise her and tell her how proud you are of her to be able to pull off such an adult task.

Hope these guidelines will be helpful. You might also want to read some of the Q&A's at the web site touching on independence and identity, to be sure your own parenting is congruent with supporting her moves toward attaining each of these adolescent goals. Just type independence, identity into the Search box and click on Search.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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