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Dear Jean: Jean responds: Hi, Deep inside of each of us there is a treasure. This treasure is the thing we were born with that sets us apart from all other people on earth. It is what we must discover and use to enrich our own lives, and when we do, we end up enriching everyone else's life too. John Prine has a song I've always loved. It goes, "You've got gold, gold inside of you. And there's some gold inside me too." It's that gold that I'm talking about. Unlike the real metal gold, though, there's no way to tell exactly what our treasure looks like: perhaps it sparkles, like gold and diamonds; perhaps it absorbs light, like coal, storing inside of itself the energy to run great engines but which must be burned to release that energy. Sometimes, too, the treasure gets buried so deep that no one ever finds it, including ourselves. This is a tragedy--because for every person whose treasure is not discovered, the whole world, as well as that person, are that much poorer. The thing is, almost all of us end up losing our knowledge of this treasure inside of us, even if it's not covered over or buried that deeply--we kind of "forget where we put it," like forgetting where you put a precious jewel but remembering that you had it. Perhaps your sister has found her treasure; it's hard to know. You can't really tell from the outside....getting straight A's, having lots of friends, being athletic--all the sparkly things--are great in themselves, if they make your sister and others happy. But deep happiness comes from finding and using your treasure. Some people who seem to "have everything," like your sister, are deeply happy because they have tapped into their real treasure--the vein of gold, so to speak, in their "mine." But let me tell you, I sit with many many people each week who, while they seem to have everything that most of us think would make anybody happy, feel deeply UNhappy. That's because all of that outer sparkling somehow had no connection with what they were supposed to be contributing to the world--it's not coming from their treasure, and they themselves cannot value their own achievements. Instead, it feels to them like someone else is doing the things, and not really "them," or that they only do those things to make others happy but not to make themselves happy. I hope that's not the case with your sister. Maybe she's expressing her treasure, and if she is, that's great. She may not know for sure until she's older. But you are NOT your sister. Your treasure, when you find it, will definitely look different from hers because that's the whole point--everybody gets born with a DIFFERENT way to contribute to their own and others' happiness. When we think there's only one way--such as "being perfect" as a child, at school, etc.--then we cheat ourselves and others by making it harder for people to shine out from the inside, to find who they REALLY are, and not who they're "supposed" to be. I think you haven't discovered your "gold" yet, but I guarantee it's there. How do you find it? There are ways... mostly, you cultivate being quiet and listening to your own heart, your own mind. What do you really like to do? What gives you joy? (Not, what do other people praise you for? That's the wrong question--it will not lead you to the treasure.) Our treasure is connected to what most brings us deep joy. And then, there are the things others see in us--others can also give us clues to where our treasure lies, help us build a "treasure map." Friends, other adults, neighbors, teachers--sometimes somebody looks at you in a certain way and comments on something they "see" in you--kind of as if your treasure is showing through. The comment might be something like, "You really love that dog" or "I can see how much you enjoy playing with the baby" or "I could see you as a dancer when you grow up, the way you move so easily." You know when someone has given you a treasure clue in saying something like that because it kind of "rings true" in your heart--it kind of feels good, as they bring to your attention something you had ony half-appreciated about yourself. These feelings of deep joy in something you like to do, and the "recognition" experiences when somebody else gives you a clue about your true Self, your treasure, you keep and store deep inside of yourself. You may not tell anybody else about these feelings, but down deep inside, you can begin to feel that you know something about yourself, something that is good, something that is building, something that will one day allow you and allows you even right now to hold a special place in people's lives. Of course you cannot live up to your sister's standards. You were never meant to! Your parents did not have a second child so they could just give birth to the same one they already had! They had a second child because they wanted to see what other sort of human being they could bring forth, to see who else was possible to come out of them. I'm sorry that they compare you to her. It's always hurtful to us, whether kids or adults, to be compared to others. That's because we feel it as a deep falsehood--somewhere deep inside we know that we were not MEANT to be just like somebody else. We were meant to be our own unique SELF. And NOBODY else can be that! Nobody in the whole entire world! Sometimes parents say stuff when they're not thinking that hurts kids. I'm sure your parents have no idea how hurtful it is to you for them to point you toward being more like your sister. Perhaps they've forgotten about the wonderful mystery of having a second child--the magical mystery tour of finding out how this one will be different. Wonderfully, valuably different. Maybe reading this letter will help to remind them. Try to stop looking at your sister. Turn your gaze to your self. You will find out, someday, how wonderful you are--there are clues even now to where your treasure lies. Look! Listen! Follow those clues! We are all waiting for you to discover your Self! Jean. Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's
response to your question is intended to be |
all the time. She has straight A's and is the epitome
of the perfect child. My parents realize that I'm not great at
all things and help me on improving my weak areas, but I just
can't live up to my sister's standards. She's smart, athletic,
and has many friends. Is there any way I can improve my situation?