Dear Jean:
My wife and 13 year old daughter butt heads constantly. My daughter feels that her mother is trying to control every minute of her day. When they have a problem, my wife asks me to step in. Sometimes I don't agree with my wife, and she then gets upset. I keep getting put in the middle, and no matter what my solution is I am wrong. I just don't know what to do. Thanks, Dad.

Jean responds:

Hi, Dad,
Somebody once said that the two hardest times in a woman's life are when she is 13--and when her daughter is 13!

I suspect that your wife and daughter are fighting their way through your daughter's entrance into adolescence. Some of the material already posted at the site may be very useful to both you and your wife in understanding what's going on with your daughter right now. Search on topic words like 13, independence, attitude, limits . The search will bring up relevant material, which you can print out or discuss with your wife.

Here are some of the common sources of conflict for moms and daughters at the latter's attaining teenage-hood:
1) Daughter doesn't want to be as close anymore, Mom senses this and fears and resents it.
2) Daughter is becoming sexual, and Mom sees and senses this and is both afraid and resentful-- daughter is now competition.
3) In order to get some emotional space from Mom, daughter starts mouthing off or withdrawing or in other ways emotionally distancing mom. Mom responds by pursuing her, usually in a hostile manner.
4) Both mom and daughter can smell impending separation in the air--18 is only 5 years away--and they're both scared and can't admit it--especially daughter, who typically says she "can't wait to get out of this house and away from you!"

After reading some of the material at the site, if you want more, you maybe can check out a good book on mother-daughter relationships during adolescence called, "I'm not mad, I just hate you!"

In the meantime, try to talk to your wife, when your daughter isn't around. If you feel like you can be useful and she'll let you, talk to your daughter when your wife's not around. Request that your wife NOT ask you to intervene during conflicts with daughter because it's not helpful and weakens your wife's authority with your daughter. When something has gone wrong between them, the two of you--wife and you--can discuss it later. Read your wife this email if you think it will help. Good luck!

PS: A site for dads that might be helpful is Dads and Daughters.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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