Dear Jean:
My 12 year old daughter goes to a private Christian school. I am a single mom. Since the middle of last year my daughter has been friends with a girl who I am continually finding out very disturbing things about. This girl is bright and funny and smart. Yet repeatedly when my daughter would get off the phone with this girl, my daughter would be hateful and disrespectful to me, even to the point of verging on making fun of me. I was baffled for a long time. Then I could tell when she had just spoken to this girl. None of her other friends had this effect.

Then a group of girls decided to use Instant Messaging to talk to strangers, thinking they could filter out the creeps themselves. I walked up on my daughter talking to someone unknown on IM's while she was talking on the cellphone with two friends. When I asked her if she was talking to a stranger, I heard a voice out of the phone saying, "Just tell your mom, 'no, mom'. Tell her what she wants to hear." This was the voice of one of her friends. And my daughter lied about it.

I have found notes from this girl to my daughter trying to 'set' her up with boys neither I nor my daughter knows. One boy was 16. I have not seen any sign of any boys calling , but I don't know if my daughter is calling these boys. This other girl is constantly trying to solicit boys for my daughter to 'date', showing them my daughter's picture and giving my daughter their screen names and offering to give her their phone numbers. She is constantly pushing my daughter to 'date.' I think my daughter is flattered by the attention of boys but I think she needs to go at her own pace, without being pushed by another kid, and with some supervision from me. I have already seen notes telling how some older boys at school have made comments about my daughter's chest to her. I point blank asked her if that had ever happened, generally, and she said no, never. This girl's mother when I told her I did not want her daughter soliciting teenage boys for my daughter, hinted that my daughter is doing some very adult things. The only time or place this could have happened is at school, and I don't think this is the case. I don't know what to do.

How do I maintain a good relationship with her and still keep tabs on her? I felt like I trusted her and then all this happened and now I don't want to go into denial again. Have I caused her to lie to me? Whenever I try to set limits or give her consequnces she goes ballistic, throwing things and telling me she wishes I was dead. Isn't this extreme? She seems very conflicted. What do I do?

I have put call block on the phone and so has the other mom because they were spending all their time on the phone. At the 7th grade first of the year skating party when I picked up my daughter this girl said, "Euww, here comes your mom. Now everyone knows who she is." This was said in my hearing. I was stunned. I have been associated with the school and most of the parents and kids since kindergarten, so everyone already knows who I am.

Every time my daughter tries to spend more time at school with other friends, this girl cries, and tells her she has no other friends, tells her she trusts her, that she is her best friend, then flatters her about her hair or her clothes. Most of the other girls don't like her, and think she has 'mental' problems, whatever that means.

I have gotten rid of AOl. This girl keeps on trying to get boys for my daughter, and tells her that boys try to have sex with her, but she won't let them. She continues to try to get my daughter to get on several instant messaging systems, since I have blocked the phone calls. I have found out that they were talking on 3-way through another child recently.

Last year when I took my daughter and this girl to the YMCA to swim, they came into the exercise room to get money for drinks. This girl came up next to a 40 something man, said "Woo Hoo!". Of course he looked at her and boy did she look back. These are 12 year old girls. Am I wrong to not only limit contact with this girl but take further steps? Why does my daughter stay around her? My daughter seems very conflicted.T his girl has told her that she is bisexual. The thing is I am not finding out a lot of this stuff from my daughter but from notes I have found, so I can't tell her I read her private notes. I know she knows what our standards are. I am bothered by this girl's behavior, and her trying to pull my daughter into it, and I am bothered by my daughter's lying to me about talking to her on the 3 way calling. I wish she would talk to me, and I am trying to remain friendly, approachable and calm. But I am so scared this girl will convince her to do something irreversible. Her other best friend, who was a great kid, but teased a lot at school for not being cool enough, is now into witchcraft and has been telling my daughter all about it. She has become very unpleasant to me recently as well. What is going on? I feel like the kids have declared war on the parents, even to the point of making fun of us. What happens to them when they chip away our credibility and authority by making us into big jokes?

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for writing to parentingadolescents.com.

Well, your story is not that different from other parents' stories, unfortunately. When kids approach and enter adolescence, they "change into different creatures," as one mother put it. You probably need to read a good book about adolescence to help you get yourself and your daughter through the next eight or so years....visit the online bookstore for some good suggestions (find general adolescent development and/or girls/daughters in the topic menu).

Regarding this obnoxious friend: It sounds as if her behaviors and attitudes go well beyond those expectable for her age. I would tell your daughter that this young woman behaves differently from her other friends and that her behaviors suggest she may have serious emotional disturbance. (I suspect a background of abuse, though it might not be best to suggest this to your daughter.) See if your daughter can listen--the chances of this happening will be increased if you first listen to her:

I'd start by asking her what she sees in this girl, what she likes about her....help your daughter to understand her own reactions to this friend: is she flattered by her? Is she interesting, exciting? Try to listen uncritically--without advice or judgment or criticism--just to gather information about what's going on in your daughter's head and heart.

My guess is that your daughter's susceptibility to this girl's machinations reflects your daughter's own insecurities. They are very insecure at this age, so much is happening, inside and outside, they're all scared to death. But it does sound as if your daughter is having a bit harder time than many--the going ballistic part concerns me, though I don't really know exactly what you mean by that. The severity of the reaction would probably be the determining factor in distinguishing a normal adolescent resentment of "being controlled" from a more serious emotional problem.

With regard to her reaction to your setting limits:

Be sure that you are setting limits WITH your daughter, not just laying down the law for her, and that consequences for exceeding the limits are discussed in advance. Find material at the web site on these topics by typing the words limits,consequences into the Search box at the site and clicking the search button. Read this material. If you are already doing what the readings suggest, and your daughter is still extremely troubled by your setting limits at all, then perhaps you need to consult a counselor to find out what's going on.

Regarding your daughter's and her friends' making fun of you: This troubled girl may be jealous of your daughter's relationship to you, since she almost certainly has no such relationship with her own mother. Just ignore it as much as you possibly can. I mean, swallow your hurt feelings and DON'T LET ON that this little girl has the power to hurt you. If your daughter uses terrible language to you, tell her to go to her room until she can keep a civil tongue in her head, but don't make a big deal out of it. The normal part of attitude problems is that the adolescents are trying to become independent, and they turn against you because you are the biggest threat--their need of you is the biggest threat--to their eventual independence. They try to get some emotional distance by being not nice to you. Take it in stride, within limits, as I've suggested. As I've already said, this other girl is a pathological case--your daughter may need some help in deciding to do what's right for herself, rather than hanging in with this girl for the girl's sake.

Put the emphasis on what is going on in your daughter, and not on what she's doing or not doing with this destructive friend. If you are not sure whether your daughter's behaviors are seriously out of bounds, consult a counselor before the trouble can have a chance to grow bigger.

My advice is that you give up obtaining information by invading your daughter's privacy. This creates distrust and problems on both sides. You may want to read my article on respecting adolescents' privacy.

Hope this helps a little.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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