Dear Jean:
My daughter has always been a junk food lover despite the fact that I try to serve healthy foods. Through the years she has eaten whatever she wanted to and had remained thin. She is now 15, has stopped growing in height (she's petite at 5 feet tall) and has in the past year put on some weight and is chubby around her middle. I have tried to encourage her to eat healthy and exercise, but her answer is "not everyone can be skinny." When I talk about being healthy, she tells me to leave her alone. She is not sports minded and does very little activity. What do I do? Do I leave her alone and let her live her own life or do I pursue this some other way? Every once in a while she'll say "look at my flab," but she takes no initiative to watch what she eats or to exercise. She's certainly not obese and would do just fine if she monitored herself just a little bit. Do I intervene or let it be?

It's getting close to bathing suit shopping time. How do I respond when she tries on a bikini and asks me how she looks? Your help is much appreciated! Thanks,

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for writing to parentingadolescents.com.

I think you're far better off working at this indirectly. Suggestions:
- get rid of any junk food in the house; just say, "we all eat too much of this stuff"
- let her ask YOU for suggestions, rather than the other way around
- when she says, "Look at my flab," tell her she's adorable to you at any weight, but if she seriously worries about it, you'd be happy to let her consult with a nutritionist--then don't say another word; if she never gets back to you, then she never gets back to you. It's her choice.

If she tries on a bikini and asks you how she looks, use a little humor and tact and remain loving: something like, "I think a fuller two-piece (or a tank suit, or whatever) would look prettier, but if you like that one, it's fine." If she says, "Do you think I'm too fat for a bikini?", try saying something like, "Well, we can't all be bikini types. You've gained a bit of weight, but so what? There are a hundred ways to look good in a bathing suit--the bikini type is only one of them."

What you're working to avoid is a deflation of her self-esteem (which will get deflated enough, at her age, by her peers) and/or the inspiration for an eating disorder. Girls this age are just "too hot to handle" in the food/figure department unless there are serious health issues, and it certainly does not sound as if you're to that point. Steer clear, and remain supportive.

Hope this helps a little.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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