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reasonable expectation
for 17?
Dear Jean:
We are going through some difficulties with our  almost
17 year old daughter. We have written down the terms of restriction
for her recent behavior. She says she can't abide by our requirement
that we meet any boys she dates. She maintains this is hopelessly
old-fashioned and just not done anymore. We think it is pretty
normal and done by most families. Can you give us some insight
into the social mores of our times? Is this unreasonable at all?
Thanks,
Jean responds:
Hi,
Thanks for writing to parentingadolescents.com.
You are of course not the only
parents who wish to meet the boys their daughters date, but even
if your were, that's not the point. Adolescents do need to agree
to the limits and consequences that are set up to guide their
behavior in areas that are problematic. I'm not sure if meeting
the boys she dates is a general requirement, or one that has
been made up as a consequence for problematic behavior related
to dating. In any case, it usually works best to set limits in
a process of negotiation because you cannot really make them
do or not do anything. They have to buy into the idea--in essence,
to agree to give you authority over them in some way.
Whether you hold your ground
and insist on meeting the boys she dates in my opinion should
depend to some degree on whether you realistically can expect
her to abide by this rule if you do insist on it. If she can
get around it a hundred ways, it might be best not to pretend
to set up a rule you can't enforce.
If she is protesting against
the rule but will probably follow it if you insist, you can tell
her that you're sorry that it seems so old fashioned to her,
but that that's not your guide for setting limits for her--your
guide is what you believe to be in her best interests. You can
tell her that you can't prove you are right that this expectation
is reasonable--in parenting, you have to use your best judgment,
whether you can prove it's sound or not, or whether anybody else
does it or not, and your belief is that she will be safer when
you meet the boys she goes out with.
Then work with her around ways
to make this least objectionable--make it seem less like an "inspection"
and more like a social visit (for instance, let your daugher
invite them over for an activity, during the course of which
you get to meet and talk with them).
Hope this helps a little.
Jean.
Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's
response to your question is intended
to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for
face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health
professional.
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