Dear Jean:

Hi, I just turned 17 this past week; I can't stand my parents. Since I was little my parents (more my father) has been hitting me, shoving me around. I admit my father has improved a lot since I was little, but he still does it. I try and get help, but no one ever believes me. I was even in the Dr.'s office one time and my dad and I were fighting, then he came after me, I started screaming don't touch me. About 10 min.'s later after I had been repeatedly screaming a Dr. came in and asked what was going on. My dad wouldn't let me say anything. I tried and tried but he wouldn't let me, and so the Dr. went away thinking nothing was wrong. Now I can't even talk to him about anything, I can't defend my own side of a situation, and both of my parents are very stubborn; they have brutally controlled my life and now that I have the strength and the knowledge to stand up for my self all they do is yell at me. I'm also one of the types of people that are very independent, yet they won't let me have control over my own life. They tell me who I can and can't hang out with, they expect me to clean the entire house everyday, they don't care how I feel. I don't know what to do anymore, about the situation, I want control of my own life, and have them become more respectful of me, and be more reasonable. I would like it the most that I don't have to fear my parents and more/less my father.

Jean responds:

It is heartbreaking to hear from teens whose parents have made them afraid of them. I am glad that you realize that your parents' behaviors in shoving, hitting you, are very wrong. I am glad that you now feel able to stand up for yourself. I think it was irresponsible for someone at the doctor's office not to have intervened sooner, and definitely irresponsible for the doctor not to have interviewed you privately. Once when my daughter thought she was having a heart attack, I went with her to the doctor's and into the examining room--the doctor asked me to leave so he could talk with my daughter alone, even though she is well over 21 years old! I realized that he wanted to get HER story, not mine, and I appreciated his doing this, even if it kind of hurt my feelings in the moment.

Your parents seem to think that an "authoritarian," and even an abusive, stance toward you is "justified" or right. I think they are at best mistaken, and at worst, seriously troubled themselves and unable to cope with their own feelings or do a good job parenting you.

I'm afraid that it is not easy for adults who have behaved in the ways you describe your parents behaving, to change that behavior. It can happen, but not without their wanting to change, and a lot of hard work toward that goal.

I strongly urge you to try to find someone with whom you can talk confidentially about your home situation--perhaps a professional counselor at an agency near you. I know in this State, counseling agencies are allowed to talk with adolescents under 18 (but over 13) four times before notifying parents. Even one or two conversations with someone who understands and who can help you plan how to respond might be very helpful to you. If you don't know any agencies near you, perhaps your school counselor could refer you--you don't have to discuss with the school counselor your reason for asking for a referral, if you don't want to.

It is normal and healthy for kids your age to want more freedom and to begin to want to run their own lives, as much as possible. I'm sorry that your parents don't seem to realize this.

You may not be able to change them, however. And you may simply need to plan how to survive for another year until you're old enough to leave. But a counselor who could talk to you in person would probably be more able to tell you whether there's anything else to try at this time.

Good luck. Feel free to write back, and blessings your way!

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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