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Dear Jean: My fifteen year old daughter
is a responsible, Jean responds: Hi, Indeed, your daughter may imitate her friend's behavior in the future. Although it seems to me it would be easy enough for the parents of her friend to check their daughter's whereabouts (call lthe home of the friend where she's supposedly staying), the girl could probably find a way out of this one, too, if she really wanted to. We can't prevent our teens from lying or getting into trouble in any one of a thousand ways. It's a blow to us as parents to realize that our kids will begin to determine their own behaviors, and that we can't control them when they reach adolescence. Your relationship to her is the best thing you've got going for influencing her behavior. Praise her not only for telling you about the friend's ruse, but also, and more importantly, for her own good judgment about skipping the party herself. Ask her her reasons for not going to the party--besides that you wouldn't let her, if she asked. Listen to what she says without criticism or suggestion. You can just reply, "I see." By listening without criticizing or suggesting, you help her clarify her own thinking and feelings. Eventually, she probably will do something outlandish, which you may or may not find out about. Isn't it frustrating and scary that we can't keep them completely from harm! It's only ten years later that my own daughter tells me about a wild party she had at our house when she was 17 and we were gone on vacation--she hid all the evidence, and we never knew! She said she did it to prove to her friends that she wasn't the "nerd" she thought they thought she was (she was also a straight-A good girl). I only thank God that she was level-headed enough to protect herself when she had sex with her boyfriend and not to try anything beyond marijuana. You wonder how they make it through these years! We wonder how we make it through these years! By the way, you might want to read my article on Lying. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your daughter; you and she are to be congratulated. Relax. Pray. Stay present to her. Welcome to parenting an adolescent! Jean. Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's
response to your question is |
straight-A
student with whom I have a strong relationship. However, tonight
she is going to a dance and has arranged to be picked up by me
at 1:00 a.m. She has told me that her friend is going to a party
after the dance at a boy's house and will party till about 5:00
a.m. or maybe even stay over night. The friend has lied to her
parents and said she is going to stay at a different friend's
house. While I'm very happy my daughter has told me the truth
and suggested a more reasonable curfew, I am concerned about
the influence her friend may have on future situations. I worry
that my daughter may feel "left behind" and want to
stay out later and lie to accomplish it.