My 12 year old son wants to listen to gangster rap. We've talked about it. He says all the kids listen to it. And I'm concerned. I've listened to some of it with him and explained my concerns: what's the point of the lyrics? why all the swearing, sexual talk, negative attitudes toward
women, etc.? He pleads it will not change him. He just likes it and it's what the other kids listen to and they're good kids. Any help with how I can approach this?

Thanks.

Jean responds:

Your question is great--very typical of the kinds of concerns parents begin to have about their preteen kids. No doubt we'll use it on Question of the Week sometime.

This may be one of the first encounters with your son in which you get to accomplish two important objectives for parents of adolescents:

• Letting him know that you know you can't control what he does AND
• That you don't think gangster rap is good stuff for anyone to be listening to, so you can't give him "permission" to listen to it.
  

Your son's asking for permission is very interesting: evidently, he is still being guided by your permissions and prohibitions. As long as he is, without apparent conflict, then great.... he doesn't have permission to listen to it, based on your conviction that it's not good stuff for anyone.

However, the challenge to your authority in this matter is implicit in the interaction, isn't it? Today your son may simply accept your prohibition, with some grumbling -- tomorrow, he may respond with, "How are you going to stop me?"

That's where the first message is very important: That you can't control his behavior may seem slightly scary to him (and, of course, to you, if you haven't reflected on this yet)--though he may never admit that that is scary. But it is an "early warning" to him -- he will now be learning more and more to make his own choices and to be responsible for controlling his own behavior and taking the consequences thereof. This is the part that we often miss in rearing our kids-- letting them know that they can't rely on us forever to make these choices for them. We so much want to protect them, that we often fail to help them gradually to achieve their autonomy by beginning to take responsibility for their own behaviors.

The second message lays the groundwork for your stance toward him during adolescence: as a parent, you have convictions and a sense of responsibility for trying to help him develop as constructively as you can. YOU MAY BE MISTAKEN in believing that gangster rap isn't good for him or for others. Don't try to convince him that you are "right" and he is "wrong." I don't know of any controlled studies that suggest that kids who listen to it end up being gangsters. Maybe he's right--maybe good kids listen to it and it doesn't change them, and it won't change him if HE listens to it. ADMITTING THAT YOUR BELIEFS MAY NOT BE BASED ON FACT is a great way to communicate to him that you're just doing the best you can, and that you have to act on what you BELIEVE to be right, even if you can't PROVE that it is.

At this juncture you get to see the incipient conflicts that will arise during adolescence: how would you prevent your son from listening to gangster rap? You can't follow him around all day. Even at home, he may indulge in private, without your "catching" him at it. You could tell him that if you see the tapes/cd's lying around, you'll toss them out. You could tell him that he can't play this kind of music in the house, and that if you hear it, you'll insist he turn it off (with what consequence if he doesn't?). But perhaps you begin to see what we mean when we say that with adolescents you have to "pick your battles." You can't afford to announce consequences you can't implement, and it is often wiser to give ground in the areas of what kids listen to, i.e., what kind of music, radio programs, etc., to assert their autonomy, and to hold the line in important behavior areas (school, drugs, driving, for example).

It sounds as if you've already told him the reasons you object to the music--that's great--at some point he may think about what you've said. But if all the other kids are listening to this stuff right now, the drive to be "just like" peers is tremendous, and your not giving him permission may only be strong enough to last for a while. Then he may issue a more direct challenge in this area.

But for now, it sounds as if he's willing to abide by what you say--so great--as long as you say it not from a stance of superiority ("I'm right and you're wrong" in this) and as long as you let him know that in fact YOU CANNOT CONTROL HIM.

You may want to read the Archives question and answer on autonomy,because this is the fundamental struggle of adolescents--to achieve autonomy, to establish an identity, to become 'their own person,' to make their own choices.

Sounds like the two of you are going to do just fine.... feel free to write back, and good luck--hope this is helpful.

Jean

Disclaimer : Ms. Walbridge’s response to your parenting question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face-to-face psychotherapy or consultation with a mental health professional.