Dear
Jean:
My son is almost 14. If he had it his
way, he would spend every waking moment with his girlfriend, and her
mother would be fine with that. I've told him that he can spend one
weekend night with her (going to the movies, skating, etc...). His
girlfriend's mother has no problem with them hanging out upstairs in
their bonus room, and I disagree with it, but she thinks I'm being
ridiculous. She doesn't think they would possibly ever do anything.
I won't allow him to go over there now because she won't agree that
they need to stay downstairs with some type of supeervision. I've
told him that he needs to spend the other night with his guy
friends. The nights that he's not with her, he doesn't want to do
anything. He's pushing all his friends away because he refuses to do
anything but talk to or text his girlfriend. When I try to tell him
he needs his friends, too, he thinks I'm crazy and won't talk. How
do I handle it and am I being wrong by being strict?
Jean responds:
Hi,
Thanks for
writing to ParentingAdolescents.com. I think it's fine for you to restrict your son
from visiting at a home where the mother thinks it's fine for two
young teens of the opposite sex to spend unsupervised time together
in the home. This mother is in denial. I also think it's reasonable
to say that he has to spend one night of the weekend NOT with the
girl friend.
On the
other hand, I don't think you can dictate--obviously, you're finding
out that you can't--what your son does on the other night of the
weekend, when he's not with the girl friend. He has to find out for
himself the consequences of focusing all his attention on her,
leaving out his other friends. You can make suggestions, give
advice, gently point out that you wonder about his giving up all his
other friends, and so on, but my guess is, he's just 'afflicted'
with teenage puppy love and is going to have to live through it--as
are YOU. You can insist that he spend some time with family, if you
want, on that night during which he's not allowed to talk to or text
girl friend--but my guess is that that's the limit of what you can
do.
If the
relationship starts interfering with school work, you have more
options--but you don't say that that's happening yet.
When this
relationship breaks up, he's going to be broken-hearted. Be there to
help him pick up the pieces, and bite your tongue...no "I told you
so." It's a phase. It says something good about him, that he
can feel so attached to someone else and so head-over-heels. Be sure
he's informed, really informed, about sex...how do you know what he
knows, by the way, in this area? Take care here.
Good luck.
Raising adolescents is hard.
Jean.
educational
and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation
or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.