Now comes Rachelle Katz, Ed.D., LMFT, and herself a stepmother. She writes a book with a seeming oxymoron for a title, The Happy Stepmother Her subtitle says it all: Stay Sane, Empower Yourself and Thrive in Your New Family.
Dr. Katz asssumes a heterosexual household. Modern writers can no longer afford to make these assumptions. Nonetheless, within that assumption, Dr. Katz has a lot to say about maintaining your sanity while mothering someone else's kids.
What I most like about the book is her strong emphasis on recognizing--and communicating--boundaries in the stepfamily. For instance, Katz knows that as a stepparent you cannot expect these kids to love you even though you may be doing many good things for them and learning to care for them a lot. At least you can't expect them to love you now. Stepfamilies are always built on some kind of trauma--divorce or death or disappearance of some kind or other, and traumatized kids are not usually ready to begin to try to love yet another new figure brought into their lives.
Nonetheless, the author shows us how to build relationships with the children, with the ex-partner (!) where possible, and to manage the relationship with the spouse.
She has a web site that may be useful for stepmothers and stepfathers alike:
stepsforstepmothers.com. And I would highly recommend that you buy this book at the usual Amazon.com discount -- for yourself, if you're a stepmother or counselor who works with stepmothers--or if you know another woman who could use this.
P.S. Here also is an article by this author on how a stepmother can find a good therapist, posted with the permission of the author:
How Stepmothers Can Find a Good Therapist
At least three times a week, stepmothers email me requesting a recommendation for good therapist where they live. Usually, I don't know anyone in their area but I give them a list of questions to ask therapists before they finally select one with whom to work. Finding a good therapist requires some detective work. You need to find out some basic information to make sure you and a therapist share similar philosophies and goals. This will ensure that your experience in therapy helps rather than harms you.
Particularly with regard to stepmothers, many mental health professionals hold outdated ideas about stepfamilies, the most prevalent one being that "blending" is the ideal goal. If a stepmother complains that she feels like an outsider in her family despite numerous attempts to bond with her stepchildren, too many therapists will suggest that she keep trying to establish a relationship with them. This can be an exercise in frustration and futility as "blending" does not occur for most stepfamilies, and is not a necessary requirement for their overall happiness.
Other therapists unconsciously accept as true the cultural stereotype that stepmothers are to blame for all the family's problems. They lack an understanding of the real challenges faced by stepmothers, and their ignorance and insensitivity may influence how they work with you. More than likely, you will waste your time and money. A bad experience in therapy may taint you from trying another therapist, and prevent you from getting the help you need and deserve.
I have been appalled by the bad experiences some stepmothers have had with therapists. In one of the monthly support groups I run, one * of the stepmothers shared that she, her husband, and 21 year old stepdaughter went to a family therapist for help. They were struggling to get along in her small one bedroom apartment. The stepdaughter was thrown out of her dorm for physically assaulting her roommate and needed to move in with them while attending college, and was sleeping on the living room couch. She was asked to not play the TV or radio after 1AM to prevent awakening her father and stepmother. She refused to, or was unable to abide by this request and repeatedly disturbed her father and stepmother in the middle of the night. When they would politely ask her to turn off the TV or radio, she would have a tantrum (that would last for hours). When the family discussed this in therapy, the therapist felt that the stepmother was being unreasonable by asking for some peace and quiet, and should be more understanding of her stepdaughter who was still affected by her parent's divorce, more than 15 years ago. This trauma, the therapist explained, prevented her from channeling her emotions maturely.
The belief that children are victims of divorce is both common and completely accurate. It is true that many children are traumatized by divorce, but this is an explanation rather than an excuse for their misbehavior. It is unacceptable for a 21 year old to have a temper tantrum when she doesn't get her way. Adult temper tantrums are indicative of a bigger problem, one that was being ignored by both the therapist and her father. As long as his daughter was doing well in school and abstained from alcohol and drugs, he was satisfied with her behavior. He wasn't concerned by the fact his daughter could not keep friends, got into physical altercations with them, and was fired from all of her jobs. His passivity regarding his daughter's problems prevented him from acknowledging his wife's frustrations and taking them seriously.
Not only was the stepmother disturbed by her husband's stance, she was astonished that the therapist did not support her need to get a good night's sleep since she was the only one in the family with a job. If she lost it, all of them would be homeless. The therapist did share with the family that she was a stepchild and never had a good relationship with her own stepmother. This factor probably contributed to her over identifying with the stepdaughter to the detriment of the stepmother. At her wit's end, the stepmother was considering divorce; the only viable option in an otherwise untenable situation. This situation did not have to escalate to this crisis level if the family therapist was more sensitive to the stepmother's needs.
To get the most out of therapy, you can screen for a stepmother savvy therapist by asking a few key questions, such as:
Unfortunately, you are not guaranteed to find the right therapist by just asking these questions. Only a consultation will give you the information you need to determine if you feel comfortable collaborating with the therapist to help you achieve greater happiness and contentment.
There are many terrific therapists; it just takes a little work to find the right one for you.
© 2010 Rachelle Katz, Ed.D., LMFT , author of The Happy Stepmother: Stay Sane, Empower Yourself and Thrive in Your New Family
Rachelle Katz, Ed.D, LMFT, writes from a place of both personal experience -- she's been a stepmother for nineteen years -- and professional expertise. A psychotherapist with twenty-five years of experience in private practice, since 2004 she has empowered thousands of women through her Web site, www.stepsforstepmothers.
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