Dear Jean:
I think my 13 year old daughter is gay. The reason I think so, might sound foolish. She does not talk about boys on the same level as her friends, but she talks about girls. She finds a girl who will be her "friend" and then focuses on her as if she were a boyfriend. It does not bother me if she is gay. I am just worried she is and she does not know what to do. I don't know if I should approach her or wait and hear from her. In the other articles you have written and other articles on the internet I know our society is not forgiving or nice to people and more importantly teenagers who are gay. Anyway, I was wondering if you have any advice of how I should approach it with her? If I am wrong I don't want to make a mistake and embarrass her.

Thank you,
Unsure in CA.

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for writing to parentingadolescents.com.

I don't think your reasons for suspecting your daughter may be developing a homosexual orientation are foolish. I'm glad that you can accept the possibility that your daughter may be gay. Parents sometimes have a feeling about their children's sexual orientation before the children themselves do. I believe strongly that you ought to wait to hear it from her. It can be devastating to be "told" you may be gay before you have admitted this into your own mind as a possibility and/or before you have decided it is something you want to share with parents or others. Just like any other young person, she has to grow into her sexual identity, whatever it may be; and, it may change over time.

You are right that, if she suspects she is developing a lesbian identity, she may experience distress, both in her own emotions and from outside in the form of taunts or threats from peers. However, you need not assume that distress will necessarily occur or become evident. If you see her becoming depressed or anxious, it would be good, I think, to inquire about the emotional distress, without suggesting or guessing its origin. If she becomes distressed, you can also ask her if she'd like to talk to someone about it other than you, and if she would, you can find her a counselor who has experience with adolescents and who is not biased against homosexuality.

It would help also if you speak generally of people being gay as a viable alternative in this world--perhaps helping her feel less likely to shock you or break your heart if she does decide she is gay. It would be a good idea, too, with regard to any anti-gay prejudices or jokes you may hear or see on TV, etc., to counter them with positive statements about people being free to be who they are and deserving respect from others based on their character, not their sexual orientation.

If she does decide to share with you a sense that she is developing a lesbian orientation, there are good books out there to help you deal constructively with your own feelings -- for example, Straight Parents Gay Children, Keeping Families Together, Bernstein -
Beyond Acceptance: Parents of Lesbians and Gays Talk about Their Experiences, Griffin.

Hope this helps a little.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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