Dear Jean:

I have a 15 year old daughter who's in the 10th grade, and basically a good kid, but recently we've been having some problems. It started in the beginning of 9th grade when her grades started dropping significantly (from 3.8 to 2.0), we had many arguments about her grades, and we told her that she was going down a bad road. Then one night she came home drunk, we scolded her and told her not to do it again.

Everything was fine for awhile, then again it happened and she came home drunk. And when I say drunk, I mean she could barely walk straight, and she was slurring and stumbling all over the place. This time we grounded her, and said she couldn't go to anymore parties until we got her trust back. Now we found a pack of cigarettes which she claims to be hiding for a friend. I don't know whether or not to believe her because she has lied to us before, but then again, she always told us that smoking is nasty and she has never ever smelled of smoke. And one time, when she didn't know I was watching, I saw someone offer her a cigarette and she refused.

Me and my husband just don't know what to do anymore. We got her a cell phone so now we can keep track of her at all times, and we made her curfew 9:30 on weekends, and 9 on schoolnights. She is complaining that this is unfair and that her friends can stay out till 10:30-11, but I always tell her that her friends didn't do what she's done before (come home drunk I mean).

I don't know how to deal with her anymore, she never wants to talk to me anymore, and I am afraid that she will end up in jail or something. Do you think that a 9:30 curfew is overly restrictive, and if so, what do you think her curfew, and the consequences for breaking it, should be? Thank you. And I read the archives and you suggested using the community curfew, but in San Franciso the curfew is 2 am, and there is absolutely no way that she can stay out until 2 am.

Jean responds:

Hi,
I'm glad you read the Archives--there are two letters called "curfew in San Francisco" in the Teen Archives. You might take a look there.

In general, I think curfews, as well as other limits on behavior, ought to be negotiated between teen and parents. Trying to pull in the reins in every area with your daughter isn't going to work. Here are a few basic principles, which can also be extended and reviewed in many of the archived Q&A's at the site (search on limits and consequences to bring up relevant material):

1. Set limits only in areas of behavior that are problematic.

2. The way you know you need to set a limit is that your kid violates acceptable behavior in one area of his/her life (e.g., in your case, the coming home drunk and drinking in general).

3. The first violation is a 'freebie'--don't assign consequences the first time because the kid technically "didn't know" you had set a limit there (of course they know it's wrong, in the case of something like coming home drunk, but they haven't been informed of what consequence will follow).

4. Tell them what will happen the next time they do it or the next time you CATCH them at doing it (not necessarily the same thing; acknowledge to them that you cannot be aware of everything they're doing, even if your do use the cell phone all the time). You may need to negotiate the consequence, as well as the rule itself. You need to end up with an agreed-upon consequence for the unacceptable behavior.

5. The next time they do ithe targeted behavior, implement the consequence without lecturing or criticizing. Be relentless in applying the agreed-upon consequence. The first time, they didn't know what would happen--but they've had a 'freebie' and this time they knew what would happen and chose to do the thing anyway, so make sure the consequence follows.

6. Consequences need to be proportional in severity to the behavior they apply to--for coming home drunk, the consequence needs to be weighty.

7. For serious behaviors like drinking, consequences can be escalating--they get more severe with repeated incidents.

8. Consequences need to be time-limited; the kid always gets another chance to behave appropriately in the area of concern after whatever time period agreed upon has passed.

9. Taking away privileges in an area related to the offense is often a good place to start, but for something like drinking, especially at the level this child is doing it, you need to respond with more seriousness. I would suggest a referral for an alcohol and substance abuse evaluation for a second repetition of coming home drunk or of your finding out that she is drinking regularly at parties. You may also refuse to allow her to attend parties at all unless the parents of the kid holding the party certify to you that they will be present during the party and that no alcohol or drugs will be tolerated.

10. If a teen continues to display serious behaviors like drinking or driving while drinking or acting out in other serious ways, after you have negotiated limits and consequences and applied them faithfully, then I consider that that kid is sending a distress signal and needs to talk to a counselor (with or without the parents). If the kid won't go, the parents need to. Something is up, and it needs attention.

Hope this helps a little.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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