|
Dear Jean:
I'm a
17 year old female and am in the process of applying to
university and making important choices for next year. All but
two of the schools I've applied to are in one city that's
about three hours from home, and at this point it seems most
likely that I'll end up moving there. I have a boyfriend, 19
years old, and we have been together for nine months. He is in
his first year of college and wants to transfer schools and
move with
me; we want to live
together. I've suggested this possibility to my mother and she
was completely against it without even listening to our
reasons, and I know my father will be the same way. By the
time I'd be moved out I'll be a legal adult and my boyfriend
and I will have been together for over a year; however, I
can't afford to pay for my half of the rent on my own, which
is why I need their permission, since they'd be paying for me.
We are very
close and think this would be the best solution to any living
arrangement problems. We've discussed the different concerns,
such as what we would do if we broke up, and benefits of
living together, and I think we have a sound argument. I'm
afraid that if my parents won't let us live together and he
can't afford to come with me that we'll become distant and
break up. I love him more than anything and he feels the same
about me; we are not prepared to let this happen. Is there any
advice you could share with me to help with my situation? Or
perhaps you could give me some examples of other concerns
my parents might have about this so I
could address them properly. Any advice would be greatly
appreciated, and thanks in advance!
Jean
responds:
Dear 17:
It's hard to be almost an adult, legally,
and yet still to be dependent on parents for support in some
ways. When there's a conflict, as between you and your
parents, you don't have much of a leg to stand on: As you
point out, it's their money, and they get to dictate
terms under which they're willing to pay for your college,
even though these may seem to you unreasonable and even
destructive.
Your only hope, as I see it, would be to
get them to listen to your reasons for wanting to do this
thing that, on the face of it, I also would have some concerns
about. I'm afraid I can identify only too easily with your
parents with regard to the following:
--you are very
young to be moving in with someone other than a roommate at
college
--normally people don't move in together
until they're pretty sure that the relationship is long-term,
that is, they are considering marriage
--if the
relationship breaks up, you will have nowhere to go, and your
college progress will likely be disrupted because of the
emotional strain; if you were living separately, and then
broke up, at least you'd have a safe place to stay and cry
while you recovered
--if this young man and you cannot hang
in in the relationship because you can't live with him, then
perhaps this is a sign that the relationship itself is not so
strong as you had thought
--I don't know where/how he is living
now, but what's wrong with his moving to where you'll be going
to school (do you even know where that is, yet?) if he feels
that strongly about it, and getting his own place, perhaps
with a roomate if he needs help with the rent? In other words,
why couldn't he cope the same way he is coping now with regard
to living expenses? Then you could be near one another while
exploring the relationship further without making the huge
commit-ment to live together before you know that it'll
work.
Unless
you can come up with convincing counters to these concerns,
I'm not sure you can sway your parents' minds. They are
responsible for doing what they believe is in your best
interests, whether their reasoning is sound according to you
or not or whether you like it or not.
I'd suggest you
re-consider your plans. If you lose this guy because of
geography, then, in my opinion, it wasn't meant to be.
Good luck; hope
this helps a little, though I think it's probably not what you
wanted to hear. You sound like an intelligent, fine young
woman, and I know you'll figure it
out.
|
Jean.
|
educational
and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation
or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.