Dear Jean:

I am re-married for the past 7 years, and I have an 18 year old daughter, and a 15 year old son from my previous marriage. Of course, the situation has been complicated almost from the beginning, but I will try to make my question specific and direct. My husband and I have many disagreements on "parenting", but the main issue I am currently dealing with is that my husband feels my son manipulates me and others around him, and that I have taught him to behave this way by allowing myself to be manipulated. I know that I am an easy going person, and I enjoy doing things for my children, and being a part of their lives. My question is, how can I tell if I am being manipulated. My husband says it is so clear and obvious that anyone would see it, but I just can't. He says that I am a "carpet" for my children, and he is angry all the time because I won't allow him to "fix the problem" with my children. I feel that my relationship with the children is not something that anyone else can fix, but I do want to be able to recognize it if there really is a problem, and if I am being manipulated. Can you help? Can you please tell me how to recognize the signs of manipulation? I look forward to your response.

Jean responds:

How does one know if one is being manipulated? What an interesting question! I'll bet if anyone discovers a fool-proof method for finding out, they'll make a million bucks by selling it to all the rest of us!

As I think about your question, I realize there are, though, times when I do realize, in retrospect, that I HAVE been manipulated, although I didn't recognize what was happening when it was going on.... like the time some fast-talking salespeople got me to buy a time-share. Boy, did I feel manipulated after that one!

There is a feeling we get, I think, after someone's pulled a fast one on us... it's kind of a "queasy" feeling and goes with thoughts like, "Wait a minute! Did I really do what I wanted to do/say? Did I stand up for my own best interests? Or did I just get talked into something by somebody's appealing to my emotions?"

Sometimes, if we've been manipulated by someone we love, we don't WANT to pay attention to the "queasy" feeling, so we may ignore it or put it aside, as we don't want to think badly of them. But as usual, when we don't pay attention to all of our feelings, we miss out on important clues about what's going on with us....

With kids, it's not hard to "give in" when you know you shouldn't--because we love our kids, and they can "make us feel good" in the moment, with their thanks or praise or just seeing their immediate joy in getting something they wanted that we've been able to give to them. We can get "suckered into" complying with requests, in this way, that in retrospect we wonder about. The evidence in this kind of transaction comes later, when the kid becomes more and more demanding and less and less grateful--then we say, "he's spoiled," but really we are the ones at fault.

Also as parents, we can feel guilty when we can't give our kids something they want; we have to be careful not to make the child wrong for wanting. Kids want it all, like the rest of us! We can make them feel wrong for wanting because we can't stand the guilt of not being able to give something to them! But that's not fair to the kid. He's not wrong for wanting and asking, and we're not wrong for sometimes not being able or willing to give.

I would wonder why for seven years the two of you have not been able to resolve your husband's concern. It sounds to me as if maybe he feels very left out of the parenting picture, and after seven years, I'd say it's time to let him in. The two of you may want to talk to a counselor about your relationship. It's typically hard for bio parents to allow a stepparent "in" with respect to parenting the kids. You may also benefit, you and your husband, form visiting some of our stepfamily sites; find the stepfamily link at:
http://www.parentingadolescents.com/related.html

Hope this helps a little. Feel free to write back.


Jean

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's responses to questions are intended to be educational and informative. They are not a substitute for face-to-face psychotherapy or consultation with a mental health professional. 

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