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Dear Jean: Jean responds: Hi, None of the behavior you describe goes beyond what is typical for kids approaching and entering adolescence. As one mother of an almost-13 put it, "My son has changed into a new creature!" I think you'll find some reassurance in reading the questions from other parents (and my responses) stored in the Archives. Just search on 12,preteen,attitude and see what comes up. Be careful about trying to get him to recognize that the way he is being is not acceptable. First of all, "attitude" is one of the first, easiest, and LEAST harmful ways for an early-adolescent kid to begin to assert himself, distance you, and communicate his internal distress. Try to let it roll off your back as much as possible. If he's too outrageous, tell him he's too outrageous and to absent himself from your company until he can keep a civil tongue in his head. Secondly, he kind of knows he's being unacceptable, but he needs to feel you are proof against his outrageousness, and that he is proof against your disapproval. Add "independence" to your search terms at the site. He's just kind of miserable, and the misery gets spread around. So much change is going on inside of him, in school, in his peer group--and some of the overwhelmed-ness spills over onto those with whom he feels most safe, i.e., his family. He's nasty to younger brothers because THEY DON'T HAVE TO FACE WHAT HE'S HAVING TO FACE--all this change, all this adolescent stuff! They still get to be dependent kids! (Not that he would be conscious of that--but that's what's going on underneath.) Try to use patience, understanding, love, and humor to help him--and you--get through these years. But read the stuff in the Archives--it'll help you, I think. You'll catch glimpses of the son you know and love during the coming 10 years, but he won't be back, really, until he's past 21 (or so). Jean. Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's
response to your question is |
don't really know what the problem is but he has a very bad attitude.
Every time I ask him to do something, he smarts off. He wants
to be treated like a grown up but he certainly doesn't act like
one. He is a straight A student. We have 2 other boys--7 &
3; he is very hateful to them. I know he loves them and us, but
what can I do to make him understand that this kind of behavior
is not acceptable?