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Dear Jean: We finally met on June 6th. He walked in to the restaurant carrying two bouquets of flowers, one for me and one for my mom. After that we were allowed to see each other as long as someone (an adult my mom approved of) went along with us. I asked people to go with us, they refused (I believe because my mom asked them to refuse, although I may be wrong). Then I ended up sneaking out of the house to see him. We got caught. After that my mom gave in, or at least she seemed to have given in. She let my boyfriend come over to the house two times and then for no reason, my mom refused to let us see each other. I ended up talking to him late at night on the phone, while everyone was asleep. Although I was up late most nights my grades in school still were above average. I always did my homework, and always studied for tests. I was always a good student. Then after a while I continued asking my mom if I could see him, she refused over and over. I snuck out to see him yet again. We met secretly at night a few times and we were caught again, this time by the police, who assumed we were having sex although we weren't. After this my mom refused to talk to me. It was the middle of my tenth grade year in high school, and she kicked me out of the house, forcing me to move in with my dad. I've been living here with my dad for four months. I've been going to therapy with my dad, and we've been trying to come to a compromise. My therapist even believes that this relationship is okay for me. I've asked my dad countless times if I could see my boyfriend. He lets us talk on the phone and lets us email, and send letters to each other, but we can't see each other. My dad won't even meet him. Changing schools and having the relationship with my mom completely fall apart has been so hard on me. But I've been strong. My boyfriend has helped me get through this. I have good grades. I help out around the house. I was in my dad's office today to get a pair of scissors and I found some print-outs of emails between me and my boyfriend from this past February. I have reason to believe that my dad has also been looking around my room. My dad won't talk to me. He knows that I've snuck out to see my boyfriend since I've been living here. My dad just pretends like nothng's happening. I don't get it. I understand that there is an eight-year age difference between my boyfriend and me. But we're in love, we really are. It's not just some teenage, puppy love fling. This is serious. My family is worried that I'm missing out on my teenage life, which is true for any teen who is in a serious relationship. I accept the fact that there are things I'm "missing" such as parties, but I don't want to go to parties. I've done the whole thing where you go to parties, I didn't like what I did and I'm much happier now that I've stopped doing it. I have my close friends and that incudes my boyfriend. My boyfriend is a wonderful person. He's really smart, sweet, kind, and funny. He's never done anything to hurt me. He always has my best interests in mind. He's not like those guys who find young girls online and kidnap them or whatever. I trust him, and I love him. I know he'd do anything for me. And I'd do the same. I don't understand why my parents think that this relationship is so bad for me. I am sixteen and I know that I still have a lot to learn. But I also believe that it's my decision to choose whom I date. Any advice on what I can do? My parents said they wanted the opinion of an "expert". Please help. Thank you. Jean responds: Hi, I'm glad to have your side of the story. If your parents want my opinion, though, then they need to write to me themselves. In response to your question of what you can do: So far, you sound as if you are handling the situation well. It seems tragic to me that you were kicked out of your mother's house. Sounds great that you are making a go of it at dad's and that you are in therapy with him. I would think that perhaps your mom, if she would go, could benefit also from therapy. The thing perhaps for you to try to appreciate about your parents' position is that NO ONE, the police included, will countenance a relationship of a teen your age and a 24-year-old. Most adults reject the validity of such a love relationship, on the face of it, hands down. It's true that your boyfriend could be arrested for statutory rape if you were having sex. But even if/though you are not, ask yourself why a man of this age would pursue a relationship with a girl your age. There must be something going on with him--perhaps some insecurity about himself--that drives him to court a girl so much younger. I'm not saying he's necessarily wrong or bad or anything--but that psychologically it doesn't make sense for him to fall in love with a girl who is not yet fully grown up. Anyway, you would probably find out about whatever is true about this man, in time. But I can understand your parents' confusion and apprehension: their frantic wish for your welfare but also their observation that "he seems like a nice guy." I suspect your mother just couldn't tell what to do and so came down on the side of safety, i.e., prohibition against seeing him at all, and when you couldn't abide by that, she was so frustrated she ordered you out. Of course the prohibition thing doesn't work, as you've already proven to both parents, and that's the problem with that route. If/when they write me their own letter, I'd probably advise them to seek closer knowledge of this man--invite him over to dinner, find out about his background, really get to know him. This would be helpful to you and to them. Seeing him in a family context might reveal things that otherwise wouldn't come to light. Your father might even want to ask the police to run a background check on this person, if only to assure him that he does not have a criminal history. I would suggest that you review this letter with your therapist. Perhaps doing so would help bring up good points for clarification and discussion. By the way, maybe you and the therapist would want to consider involving this man in the treatment, to clarify his motivation in dating a girl so much younger. Hope this helps a little. Jean. Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's
response to your question is |
three years ago in a chatroom. We talked online for two
years. My mom found out about the relationship and she refused
to let us talk. I pushed her and pushed her until she gave in
to some form of communication. She finally let us write letters
to each other. We wrote letters back and forth for 3 months.
Then I asked my mother if I could meet him. She said that I could,
as long as I went with a trusted adult. So, my boyfriend suggested
that we meet with my mom and my stepdad.