Dear Jean:
I've read so much of your advice already, and I feel as though you have quite a heart in order to relate to all of these issues. I know you've touched so many people.

I'm 18 years old, and will be 19 in June. I attend college in my hometown and, sensibly, live at home with my parents as a convenience to save money. I believe a key factor to my story before I go any further is that I am an only child, thus the scrutiny has always been on me since I was quite young. I've always been smart about the decisions I made growing up: never touched drugs, alcohol, cigerettes, parties etc. My parents installed good judgment and trust in me, they've always been the best of role models, and I love them both with all my heart. Our issues with one another all started about a few months ago when my heart took an unexpected turn. I met a young man at the start of my freshman semester that literally swept me off my feet. What I discovered as well was that he is 25 years old. The relationship progressed, not physically but beyond friendship. The parents disapproved tremendously. I am now forbidden to see him or talk to him. My dad has tracked my cell phone to see who I call and who calls me. He even made an effort to come over and talk with my dad about his intentions, and reassure him that they were pure in hopes that there might be a change of heart. Of course, there was no change.

I've never lied to my parents, for they've never given me reason to until last weekend. I lied to them about my whereabouts in order to spend a small evening with the guy that is such a threat to my life. Of course, they discovered about my deception and have pulled the leash even tighter. I'm 18, and I realize I am not fully developed as a mature adult. I shouldn't have lied, that only jeapordized their trust even more. It just feels hopeless at times.

I realize that they are trying to protect me, and love me so much that they feel as though they are doing the right thing by controlling my relationships. I honestly see a future with this person, and I want to be able to share everything with my parents about it. We see each other as much as we can, and keep in touch through e-mail but are slowly being torn apart by things out of our control. I'm sad, confused, heartbroken, and frustrated. I feel as though I am torn between the two loves of my life. Is there any advice you have for me and/or my parents? I love them, and I am willing to listen to them; I wish they were willing to listen to me.

Sincerely,

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for writing to parentingadolescents.com.

I can certainly hear how torn you are and how trapped you feel. You don't tell me your parents' objections to this man, but imply that age is the major objection. In any case, your parents, I agree, need to listen to you. They have brought you up well, obviously, and you can't feel respected by them or understood if they do not act with respect towards this person whom you seem to love. In other words, they need to remember that you are not bad, crazy, or stupid to have allowed this man to be close to you. I believe they would say, "No, just YOUNG," and I totally understand where they are coming from in that, I would probably feel the same way if you were my daughter. However, I also know that parental criticism and objection to a loved other, at least with 18 or 19-year-olds, can often result in a pulling away from the parents and a complete turn toward the this very person. This can be destructive, since the 18 or 19-year-old's judgment about the real worth of the other is "clouded" by the need to fight the parents' criticisms and to defend the loved person from the parents' attack, rather than the teen being free to judge the other on his/her own merits.

I do believe a wiser course for your parents, with benefit to you, would be to behave civilly and respectfully toward this man, include him in family activities, and "give him a chance" to prove himself. It is through contact with him over time that they--and you--would gradually come to understand his real character and his real intentions. It would be helpful to you to see how this man acts in the context of your family--as long as your family is treating him respectfully. This gives you more data to understand him more deeply.

Matters of the heart are notoriously complex and difficult for all of us to negotiate. Attempting to legislate them, except in cases of plain exploitation and abuse, rarely work--and sometimes they don't work even in these extreme cases. I would encourage your parents to listen to you for long periods of time--they should want to know how YOU answer the question of what a 25-year-old man wants with a girl your age, rather than turning to a woman nearer his own age--and they should listen to your answer and try to understand your feelings, even if they don't agree with your reasoning.

Here is a link to an inexpensive, non-technical book that I think might really be of help to you, and could even help to guide a discussion with your parents and your own discussion with this man:

How can you tell if you're really in love?

Hope this helps a little. And listen, if all of this gets to you so much that you fear you're becoming depressed, go talk to a counselor in person--get the help and support you need to get through this terrible impasse from someone wise and objective.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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