Dear Jean:

I am 12 1/2 years old (going on 13 in April). This past Saturday I arched my eyebrows (myself) for the second time. My mom got upset and put me on punishment until what I plucked from my eye brows grow back. My mom said the only way that I can get off on punishment before that is if I find some proof that this is normal or ok for pre- teens to do this, or to get into a parent chatroom and ask how they feel about this, or to ask an expert (like I am doing now), or to find like a survey saying that pre-teens today are getting their eyebrows arched. If all of these sources agree with me then I am off the hook, but if they don't then I can't make or receive calls or go anywhere with my friends. Do you think that my mom is right and just being old fashioned or do you think that I am right and just want to try something new? PLEASE QUICKLY ANSWER ME SO THAT I CAN GET OFF OF PUNISHMENT!!!!!!! PLLLLLEASSSSSSEEEEEE!!!!!. Keep in mind when you are making your decission that! I am VERY mature for my age and I don't look or act my age. Well thank you for your time PLEASE WRITE ME BACK SOON.

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for visiting at www.parentingadolescents.com and for sending in a question.

I can understand your feeling kind of desperate at being put on restriction from your friends because of having arched your eyebrows. What I think about this is as follows:

Different parents have different rules about what their kids can and can't do, at specific ages. We don't have a copy of The Great Rulebook from the Sky to tell us just "who is right" about such things as at what age kids can begin to modify their appearance, as in arching eyebrows, piercing ears, etc. Not only do different parents have different ideas; different communities and even schools within the same community may also have different standards for what is acceptable in these things. So, I don't think your mom is necessarily "wrong" or "right" or "old fashioned." She's just your mom, and she thinks what she thinks and feels what she feels.

Most moms have a hard time dealing with their kids' altering their bodies because the moms "made" your body and have fed and tended and cared for it all these years, at times when you were too little or sick or just didn't know how to do it yourself. So it comes as a "shock" when a kid begins to "claim" his or her body as his or her own! Moms can feel kind of like they "own" your body, though of course as an adolescent, you will be beginning to experience "owning" your OWN physical self, and you will begin to experiment with looking different ways. But at what age your mom can allow you to do this just depends on your particular mom's tolerance.

Where I do think your mom has made an error in parenting is that she has used "overkill" in giving you a consequence for arching your eyebrows. In my opinion, restricting you from getting or making calls or going anywhere with friends is MUCH too severe a consequence for your disobeying her restriction around arching your eyebrows. Kids your age desperately NEED contact with friends; one of your jobs is to figure out "where you fit in" with friends, and to figure out "who you are" in relation to your peers. It's natural for you to begin to turn toward your peers and a little bit away, on and off, from your family, as you enter your adolescence. Taking contact with peers away should be saved as a consequence for a REALLY BIG problem.

I suggest that you ask your mom for an age at which she feels that she can finally accept that you can alter your appearance by arching your eyebrows. Then agree with her what a consequence will be, for your breaking the rule: maybe losing allowance for a period of time, or another privilege would be appropriate. Even then, you may decide "it's worth it" to lose allowance or give up a privilege, but then it's your decision, in the end. You want to think, though, about maintaining a good relationship with your mom, and if you flaunt her rules, it will be hard to stay on good terms with her. See if you can, instead, accept that this is hard for her, and that you need to give her some time to accept that you are growing up as fast as you are, and negotiate with her for what age will be okay for you to start doing such things.

Hope this helps a little; I know it's not a "black and white" answer, but it's my best shot at trying to be of help in your situation.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to beeducational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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