Dear Jean:

I'm sixteen years old, and I've been driving for 5 months. See I live in a place where I have to drive down the mountain every day to practice golf, and I used to love it! I got into a car accident on Friday, I drove off a cliff and rolled 4 times down 110 feet. I walked away with only minor injuries, my car was destroyed! Now I hate driving and never want to drive again, whenever I think about it, I can't breathe and start crying. I don't know what to do and my parents are acting like nothing even happened. What do you think about this?

Jean responds:

Hi,
What I think is that your feelings, including shortness of breath and crying, are normal: You are experiencing post-traumatic stress -- stress that occurs after a traumatic incident, such as the accident you describe. Your parents' "acting like nothing even happened" is no doubt their best attempt to comfort you, but is a mistake. I'm sure they mean well and may also be attempting in this way to cope with their own anxiety about the accident. But it doesn't work to try just to go on as if nothing had happened after an event as frightening as what you've been through. Please show them this letter.

People who have been through a traumatic event need to talk, cry, rant, rave, do whatever is necessary to express as well as they can exactly what they were doing, thinking, and feeling during each phase of the event and also exactly what they are going through now that it's "over" chronologically. (Even though it's NOT "over," inside of you!) And you need to have permission to do these things repeatedly, for as long as it takes to "drain" some of the terror from what occurred.

It may be that you can succeed in regaining a sense of perspective and going on with your life from doing this with your family and friends, but if for any reason they/you don't feel up to doing this together, then I suggest you AND your parents visit with a trauma counselor, who can help you get over this in gradual steps. If your parents won't go with you, then you should go anyway. If you don't know a trauma counselor, ask your school or your nearest family services agency for a referral.

Everyone needs to heal from such events in their own way, in their own time. What I do know is that everyone needs the help of those around them to do it. It is still early days for you, and no doubt your parents are also traumatized -- they almost lost you! See if you can get them to do some sharing together with you of what everyone has been through and get a professional to help if the going seems too rough.

You will recover: how well, and with what gains (or losses), depends on how this is handled.

God bless you,

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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