Somehow we're always getting into power struggles with our 17-year-old son. Both of us can feel that it's not right, when we're in the argument, but I guess we don't know what else to do. Our son isn't doing well in school, he hangs with the wrong kids, and he insists on his right to smoke cigarettes. We try to help him by explaining why his behaviors are not in his best interest but it doesn't seem to do anything but prolong the argument. We are worried about his judgment and the choices he is making. He's too big to spank. We feel like we have to lay down the law on these things that are so bad for him, even if he doesn't listen. But we're losing the fight. Suggestions?

Karen responds:

In my presentation to parents of teens I speak at length about your teen-ager's need to be autonomous--to be independent of you and to have his or her own opinions, values, and beliefs...to make his or her own choices.

It is quite likely that you are getting into power struggles with your son because you aren't sufficiently appreciative of how much your teen needs not to feel controlled by you.

Of course your concerns about his poor academic performance and smoking habit are well founded and so it is understandable that you try to reason with him about these things and try to get your teen to live life in a way that will insure success and good health. The problem is that your teen has a compelling need to "be his own person" at this time and is most assured of that all-important autonomy when in opposition to you.

You cannot reason with your child at this age, and you cannot protect your child from errors of judgment or dangerous behaviors. Doing things you don't approve of is in a way what your teen is compelled to do.

Arguments and power struggles will end when you give up having to have the last word and when you give up trying to convince your teen that you are right. It really does take two to keep an argument going.

I am not suggesting that you have a laissez-faire attitude with your teen.

Set limits that you can enforce. Give consequences when your teen behaves in a way that crosses the line.

But don't try to reason with him. And don't try to convince your teen that you are right and don't try to get your teen to like the limit you set.

And most important of all, don't set a limit you can't enforce:

You cannot, for instance, keep your teen from smoking or make your teen do well in school.

You can let your teen know that he or she can't smoke in the house or in your presence.

You cannot make your teen do well in school but you can let him know that there are consequences if grades are unacceptable---like loss of car or phone privileges for instance.
These limits are enforceable.

Your teen knows right from wrong. My guess is you have already instilled those values in your child. The poor judgment and misbehavior at this age are not born of ignorance but of a wish to be separate and different from you. When your teen experiences you as respecting his or her right for autonomy, some of the poor judgment and behavior will probably subside.

It may be helpful for you to read the question and answer on "autonomy and independence" in the Archives.

Thanks for your question, and Good Luck!--Karen

Disclaimer: Ms. Martin's responses to questions are intended to be educational and informative. They are not a substitute for face-to-face psychotherapy or consultation with a mental health professional.