Dear Jean:
About 7 months ago me and my bf broke up because his ex girlfriend had his baby, so he was gonna get back with her. Well I found out this past weekend that he may have to sign over his rights for the baby because the baby's momma doesn't want anything to do with him. Well I still really love him and I want him back. We still talk on the phone and occasionally see each other. But there is a problem. My parents don't like him and I don't know how to tell them that I want to get back with him? I want them to get to know him and see that he really isn't a bad guy.

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for writing to parentingadolescents.com.

Before you accept your former boyfriend back, there are some questions you might want to get some answers to:

1) I suggest you find out why his baby's mother wants nothing to do with him.

2) How is it that this young man is so easily willing to let this mother take away his rights to his child? "He may have to sign over his rights" doesn't make sense -- he doesn't have to "sign over his rights" just because the mother doesn't want to associate with him. Plenty of women bear children of men they no longer wish to associate with. But the men still have rights to the child unless the court takes away their rights. It takes a court to take away the rights of a biological father, they cannot be taken away by an angry mother, and if the court takes them away, the court must have a compelling reason to do so.

What has the court said about your boyfriend's fitness to father a child? And, if he didn't go to court, why was he willing to sign away his rights?

Is he really mature enough to be anyone's actual 'friend,' let alone a father, husband, or lover?

Love is a behavior, not just a feeling. Try reading Sol Gordon's "How Can You Tell When You're Really In Love"; it costs very little in paperback.

Surely you deserve a boyfriend who isn't either adjudged by the court to be an unfit father or who is willing without a fight to give up the rights to his own child! Regardless of what your parents think, what do YOU really think and feel about him and about yourself? It might be helpful to find an adult you can trust and respect, such as a counselor at school or a pastor, to talk to about these matters before letting him back into your life and your heart.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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