PARENT QUESTION:

 
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Hi Jean,
My problem is this: my son said my daughter did something my daughter said she didn't. Obviously one was lying. After an hour and a half of "discussion," she finally admitted it. I told her she actually wouldn't be in trouble for what she did because it was an innocent mistake and she would be in more trouble for lying. But she still did lie for an hour.

She did this once before, last year; again, what she did wasn't nearly as bad as the lying. She is 10 years old and will soon be a teen that I cannot trust! What is the appropriate punishment for this?

Jean responds:
Hi,
Thanks for sending in a question that will resonate with many other parents, I'm sure. The whole question of lying is fraught with many different emotions and opinions about what is and isn't appropriate to address with consequences.

According to me, it's always appropriate to address the issue of honesty and lying, but in the spirit of trying to educate your child as to the possible consequences of not telling the truth--for example, their word not being accepted by others when it may be really important to them that it be accepted. There is also the consequence of feeling bad about yourself because you know it's wrong to lie and others feeling you aren't trustworthy.

Having said that, I don't think it's helpful to focus on the lying behavior in terms of giving behavioral consequences. Rather, focus on the behavior that was lied about. You don't want your child to get the idea that if she tells you the truth, she can get away with doing things she knows are off-limits. This will be especially important in adolescence. Agree with your daughter on what the consequence will be for the wrong behavior--if any (since you say it wasn't so bad). Implement this consequence. Then ask her why she was afraid to tell you the truth about it, and listen to what she says.

It is not so unnatural to lie. In fact, we all do, at times. Children lie for many reasons; usually, at this age, because they know they've done something wrong and can't face it. They cannot gauge, often, the seriousness of the offense and don't know how bad the punishment will be. This is not so hard to understand and doesn't make her a bad kid.

Before they are adolescents, they mostly lie to keep from being punished. When they enter adolescence, they may continue to lie for that same reason, but there's another motive that's added: they begin not to tell you what they are doing (or what they have done) as a way of putting some distance between themselves and you.

This is because at adolescence, young people want to begin to feel like separate individuals, not controlled by their parents. Parents are then upset not only at the lack of truth-telling, but also by this evidence that their child no longer considers it primary to keep that intimacy with the parent at all times. The adolescents will rely on and turn to that intimacy when they need you, but at other times, they'll hang an emotional 'do not disturb' sign on themselves and will resent you if you pry.

Please don't assume that because your daughter lied to protect herself from punishment, at age 10, that she'll be an adolescent you 'cannot trust.' If you predict this for her, she may turn into what you predict. Again: just focus on a consequence for the off-limits or out-of-line behavior, and talk to her about the social and inner consequences of not telling the truth.

After all, she did finally confess; make her feel loved and welcomed for having found the courage to do so. And use this to begin a conversation about, rather than a punishment for, lying.

Hope this helps a little. In addition, it may be helpful to read my articles on lying and trust.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.
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 TEEN QUESTION

 

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Hi, Recently ive been having many issues with my parents at home. Im 14 years old. My biggest issue is getting to allow my parents to date. I was with a boy for 4 months before my parents found out that i had sex with him and was sneaking out to see him. After they found out they put a bar on my window and security lights all around the house. My mum has been going through my room and invading my privacy, which i dont like and i have told her to stop but she always says "You have nothing to hide, This is my room" and i reply back "No its my room, you have no right going through it" but it just turns into a big argument. I have lost all their trust and im trying very hard to get it back. All i want is freedom, privacy and being able to date a guy. My mum also has very big racism issues and she wont accept anyone who is not wog into the family and i hate that. Can i please have some advice on how i can improve and get her to realize that i am a teenager and i want to date and have my own privacy and dependence? Thanks.

Jean responds:
Hi to you too,
I can hear that you are struggling with issues that are very common among many teens and between teens and their parents: you want to have a degree of freedom, yet you also can understand that your parents are concerned about some of your behavior and your safety. You want to have privacy as part of that freedom, but aren't too sure that your mom's not right when she says that your room is really her room. You want your parents to trust you again, but you also don't want to give up all of your freedom just to set their minds at ease.

I think it takes some maturity to see, as you do, that sneaking out and having sex behind your parents' back may not have been very wise. When you behave in that way, your parents surely have a right to be concerned about your ability to make good decisions for yourself, and they begin to pull in th reins and actually reduce, rather than increase, your freedom.

Most parents can understand that as an adolescent, their child needs increaseding room to learn to make those good decisions on their own.  As I see it, the question is how to get everyone back on that ground, where you can gradually be given more freedom and then seeing if you use this to make good decisions in your life.

Perhaps you and your parents can talk about what would be needed for you and them to begin to work together again on setting reasonable limits and granting reasonable freedoms. What kind of proof of your ability to make good decisions for yourself would they need in order to feel comfortable letting you date? For instance, if you come in on time, keep up with your school work reasonably well, and invite a boy you're interested in over to the house, to meet your parents, before asking to date him, would that make your parents feel like you were behaving more responsibly? Or, do your parents have a specific list of behaviors they want to see, or a specific age at which they think you would be able to date responsibly?

Concerning the privacy issue: Of course at a practical level your mum is right about your room being 'her room,' in that she owns the house and you don't. But you are also right; otherwise, they would not call it 'your' room. And you have a right to expect minimal privacy--that is, that your parents do not go through your things. Please read my article on privacy for adolescents--and maybe share this with your parents. It sounds to me like invading your privacy is part of a massive over-
reaction on your parents' part to your having scared them to death with your out-of-bounds behavior. Try to remember that their over-reaction comes from loving and caring about you, not from trying to destroy your life. You have frightened them; the way back is to try to calm them.

Also like many teens you are beginning to challenge your parents' more traditional values, for instance, about not tolerating people of other races. Good luck on this one: parents often resist the insights that young people have about the need for change in these things, out of the parents' own fear of change. You may not be able to change their values, but you can state your own, in a grownup, respectful, way. Eventually, you will have to learn what you really think and how you really feel, separate from your parents, about racism and many other issues. You are now beginning to explore that territory, but it frightens your parents. Try to be patient with them.

You sound to me like a good kid who wants to be trusted by her parents and have a good relationship with them. Perhaps printing out a copy of this Q&A and going over it with your parents could help. If you don't think that's a good tack to take, maybe you could ask a teacher or counselor at school whom you respect, if there is one, to talk with you and maybe meet with you and your parents. Your struggles are not uncommon, and your wishes are the same as those of most teens. Hang in!
Jean.Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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