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Jean: I'm 17 years (nearly 18) and my parents
still seem to want to treat me like I'm a young teen. They get angry
with me and ground me because of "attitude" even though generally
they start the fight. Also they try to keep me from spending the
night at a friend's house more than one night at a time. I would
understand this if I was a bad kid, but I make good grades, do well
in my sport, am going to college, etc. They don't really have a
reason to not trust me, yet they still seem to want to uphold this
once a week spend the night rule. Do you think this is right?
Jean responds:
Hi,
Thanks for
writing to parentingadolescents.com.
You do sound like a good kid, respecting your parents and yourself, and this is to your credit.
I get that it can be frustrating, in many ways, to be a teen, especially an older teen, almost an adult, whose parents still are trying to find the balance between making rules for you and respecting your independence. I agree with you that grounding you because of your attitude is not a viable approach. You may want to read my article at the web site on attitude (would it work to share it with your parents?).
Beyond the question of parents' objections to attitude and the futility of trying to set limits there, it is up to parents and teens to negotiate what limits will apply to the teen's behavior. As a parent myself, I can understand your parents' not wanting you to spend more than one night a week overnight at another home--even allowing you to spend one overnight away from home each week seems generous by my standards!
But negotiating a limit in this area may be being made more difficult by the in my opinion unreasonable attempt to give you consequences for nothing more than an emotional stance on your parent (your 'attitude'). I am wondering also if your parents have been less than knowledgeable about negotiating with you in other areas too. Perhaps it would be helpful to search on independence and limits at the web site and share some of the Q&As on this topic with your parents. You might point out to them that they too are free to write in their own question to me, which I will do my best to answer.
But even if your parents never become more understanding and better at negotiating limits with you, you're almost 18 and legally an adult (in most States). Perhaps you can show your maturity by accepting your parents' limits for now, knowing that soon you will be making your own decisions.
Hope this helps a little.
Jean
Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.
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educational
and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation
or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.