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Dear Karen: I'm 12; do you think I should have a boyfriend, a pager, and my own phoneline? Karen responds: Dear 12: Thanks for your question. What a straightforward, no-nonsense 12 year old you are. There is not a right or wrong answer to the question of whether at age 12 you should be allowed to have a boyfriend. Parents have the difficult job of deciding when kids should be allowed to do all sorts of things. It would be nice if there were a rule book that answered these questions. Unfortunately -- or maybe fortunately -- there isn't. Family values and norms and to some extent community norms tend to influence how parents respond. There is also not a standard definition of "boyfriend"(or "girlfriend") that everybody can agree on when they use these words. Webster's dictionary defines "boyfriend" as "frequent or favorite male companion." That's pretty vague. "Dating" and "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" mean different things to kids depending on how old they are, what community norms are and probably what generation they are or were a part of. When my nephew, now age 40, was about 12 years old he was "going steady" with a girl. Back when he was 12 in the community he lived in "going steady" meant that the girl had passed him a note saying, "I like you, will you be my boyfriend." The two of them never spent any time alone together... and were not even physically affectionate with each other, but as far as they were concerned they were "boyfriend and girlfriend." I think most parents feel anxious about their kids dating at age 12. I can imagine that your parents might as well. It might help if you let them know exactly what it meant to "have a boyfriend" in your peer group at your age. Lots of kids these days consider themselves boyfriend and girlfriend but spend very little time alone together... just hanging out with their "group" instead. If this is what having a boyfriend means to you, your parents might be more receptive. I think that they don't want you to get too intensely involved with any one special boy because they want you to have the experience of getting to know a lot of different people... and because they are worried about you getting too involved too soon in some kind of sexual relationship. Sex is very powerful. You have lots of years to discover it. I am sure they may be worried about you discovering too much too soon, before you are able to handle it. I think this is a reasonable concern. As to the questions of pager and private phone line, again there is no right or wrong answer. I know lots of kids these days carry pagers. It is the "in" thing to do. I don't see any harm in them. I think I would probably recommend to your parents that you be allowed to have one if lots of other kids in your school and community had them and if you could figure out a way of paying for it yourself... either by saving allowance or babysitting or doing chores around the house that you could get paid for. I am not sure about a private phone line. I can see an extension phone in your room, but I am not sure why it has to be your own private line. Again, community norms are important for kids your age so maybe it is important to you because all of your friends have them and you don't want to feel like an "outsider." If this is common in your group then there is nothing wrong with it, but there is also nothing wrong with your parents saying that it is just too much. Again, I would say that a private phone line, like a pager, is an extra special privilege and that you ought to figure out how to pay for it yourself. Finally, I think that whether it comes to boyfriend, pager, or phone line, that you need to be demonstrating to your parents that you are responsible by doing well in school, by being responsible in the rest of your life, for example by doing chores if they are required. If you are not doing well in other areas of your life then I think you probably shouldn't expect to be given these privileges. Hope this helps... thanks for the question! Karen |
