Dear Jean:

I've read your site often enough to know that you basically think the adolescent's room is his/her space and we parents should allow them to be messy there. My concern is that my 12 year old daughter's disorganization, forgetfulness, and sloppiness is the main reason her grades are falling below the acceptable C-level. Incomplete assignments, work not turned in though completed, lost assignments, lost notes from teachers to us, etc., have led to a dramatic drop from honor roll to "at risk" letters from school. It just seems that the lack of self discipline with her room and possessions tracks with the school issue. My gut instinct is to demand organization and neatness at home in order to help her improve in school organization. Your thoughts? Thanks so much.

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for visiting parentingadolescents.com and for your question.

If you could be sure that your pre-teen's sloppiness at home was the CAUSE of her poor grades, I'd get it about insisting that she clean up her act at home. However, it may be that the sloppiness at home and the poor grades are related to a third element -- pre-adolescent angst or an attention deficit being among the possibilities.

Here's what I think I'd do:

(a) Tell her that her earning below-average grades isn't acceptable. Ask her why she thinks her grades are falling, and listen carefully to what she says. Give her until next midterm notice or report period to bring them all up to C's, on her own, any way she can. Offer to be of help in this if she can think of anything you can do to assist her, but let the ideas COME FROM HER. Perhaps there is a request for assistance in whatever reasons she gives for her grades' slipping so badly.

(b) Tell her that if she's unsuccessful in bringing up her grades on her own or with whatever assistance SHE requests from you, that you're going to take it upon yourself to try to do something more interventive about it, for instance, that there will be a mandatory study hour each evening that precedes a school day, during which she sits and does homework, makes lists for you, whatever it takes to be sure she gets the school work done, followed by your checking each morning to see that she has the homework she did the night before, etc. During the study periods, there will be no television, no computer, no phone calls, etc., for as long as it takes to get organized and complete the schoolwork. (Make the details whatever you think they'll need to be, to be effective.) This enforced study/organization would continue until the next report period or midterm; if grades are up to C's, then you back off and let her try it again on her own. If she starts failing again, you re-institute the structure.

Now, if you already know this won't work, it suggests at least the possibility of an attention deficit or an emotional issue. Ask your school psychologist or counselor to have her teachers and you and her father fill out Behavior Checklists to see if there is an indication of ADD. It often shows up for the first time at this age, when academic demands increase. If there is ADD, either medication or a much tighter regimen of organization and communication between home and school may be necessary to help her out, at least for a few years. If there's an emotional issue that seems to surface, I'd look for a good counselor to talk to.

I'd ignore the room as an issue per se, unless she herself says "I can't ever find anything," as part of her own sense of why the grades are slipping. Then you might ask her if she thinks if her room were more organized, that she could find stuff more easily. If she says yes or maybe, ask her if she needs help in doing that, and let HER suggest ways you might help, and the two of you can negotiate some actions that will feel right to both of you. Beware of taking a request for more organization of SCHOOL WORK in relation to her room as an invitation for wholesale management of her room in the interest of making it look nice to YOU.

I am afraid that just "insisting" on organization at home will miss an important point that more careful exploration of the issue might reveal.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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