|
discovering sexual
activity
Dear Jean:
I recently found out that my two teenage daughters 
are sexually active. They are 16 and 17. I don't know what to
do. I am having a hard time calling their pediatrician for birth
control and I'm wondering if they should be seeing a gynecologist.
Can you help?
Jean responds:
Hi,
Thanks for visiting www.parentingadolescents.com and for your
question.
I realize how shocking it can be to discover that your daughters
are having sex. You are not alone. Many of us remember what it
felt like the first time we learned our daughters had been sexual:
my own feelings included a sense of loss (their childhood seemed
over) and even a sense of betrayal (how could they do this without
telling me?).
It takes some time to adjust to this new stage in your daughters'
lives, and I wouldn't do anything QUICKLY. This ushers in a whole
new phase in your relationships with them.Take some time... when
you do approach this, you want to be calm and not have your own
fears and feelings get the better of you. Try to be gentle with
yourself; give yourself time to "digest" this new information.
I am wondering how you acquired the information? Are you sure
of its accuracy? For instance, if you overheard a conversation
or saw a note, stating that your daughters were having sex, that
doesn't mean that they are! Teenagers make up a lot of stuff
to tell each other that they haven't in fact really done.
If you discovered this by invading their privacy, then there
are two issues: the content of what you saw/heard, and the issue
of your invasion of their privacy. If this is your situation,
you might find some help by searching the Archives
on the topic of privacy (type privacy in the search box).
But whether you came by the
knowledge through an invasion of their privacy or honestly, I
would wonder if you want to do anything about it in a direct
fashion. After all, this is part of their private lives. An indirect
approach that would allow you to reassure yourself that they
are taking care of themselves might be to turn the conversation
to a general discussion of sexual safety, without revealing that
you know these details of their lives, and give them information
about resources.... if there is a clinic in your area that serves
adolescents without their having parental permission, this would
be ideal. You can also refer them to some good web sites, such
as Sex etc., to which we link on our related
sites page.
If they didn't come to you themselves, and you feel compelled
to let them know that you know they are being sexually active,
I hope you will give them time to absorb this knowledge (i.e.,
that you know) and be sensitive to any feelings they may have
about it. If they DID come to you, you're way ahead: tell them
it may take some time for you to adjust, but that you realize
it's normal for them to have sexual feelings, and that you just
want them to be safe and happy and take control of their sexual
lives, rather than being victims of it. Thank them for trusting
you enough to share this with you. Then go about finding them
resources.
Good luck! Feel free to write back and let me know how it goes.
Jean.
Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response
to your question is intended to be educational
and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation
or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.
|