Dear Jean:

Last night, in a period of about 3 hrs., our 14- almost- 15-yr-old son drank so much alcohol that he was passed out on the garage floor. We had just gone to a movie and when we came home and his curfew of 11 p.m. rolled around (he had been at a friend's house in the
neighborhood) and he wasn't home, we began to worry. Long story short, about 45 min. later we found him lying on the floor in the garage, barely conscious. He had gotten sick on himself and reeked of alcohol. We put him in a cold shower, made sure he was ok, yes, we did get a little more than upset, and put him to bed. We found a large glass half full of rum on the kitchen counter.

This morning, reluctant to allow him to sleep off his hangover, we got him up around 9:30 and put him to work washing the cars and sweeping the garage, as well as washing the clothes he soiled last night. He is grounded for the next 10 days which unfortunately for him, will prevent him from going to a concert with a friend (this probably hurts the most). We asked him if he wanted to talk about what happened last night and he said no. He denied drinking the rum and knowing where it came from. We know we may never know what really happened, and we told him we hope he will make a better decision next time. We have known about a couple other instances, probably since he was 12, where he has drank liquor from our liquor cabinet, but not to this extent. We now keep all alcohol under lock and key.

I read one of the letters in the Archives which stated that you should punish your child "the next time" he is caught. We feel that the punishment is appropriate for this time and wonder how you would have handled it?

(We have an older son, 17, who denies any involvement in last night's fiasco and was not with our younger son at all, he says.)

Thank you for listening!

Jean responds:

Hi,

Thanks for visiting at www.parentingadolescents.com, and for sending in a question.

It sounds as if this instance of drinking was NOT the first time -- you say he had done this a few years ago. So, if that was "the first time," then this was, so far as you know, "the next time." The only thing is, I'm assuming you did not forewarn him of a consequence after the first time, as I suggest in my letters in the Archives. Telling kids what will happen the next time they exhibit a problematic behavior puts them at choice in deciding what they will do: act out and get the consequence, or refrain and escape the consequence.

Even for a first-time occurrence, I think it appropriate that you got him up and made him clean up after himself. The ten-day grounding is the consequence here, and I think it would have been fairer for him to have known in advance exactly what the imposed consequence of drinking would be, in this regard. (As you have already leveled this consequence, I would not cancel it, even if you consider this a first-time event.) Of course, he has also experienced the 'natural consequences' of drinking too much, and we hope these will serve as a natural deterrent to a repeat performance. Still, kids being who they are, you can't count on that!

Instead of telling him you hope he makes a better decision in the future, I'd advise letting him know exactly what consequences will be imposed if this occurs again, and frankly what I'd suggest is that he go through an alcohol/drug abuse screening if he does it again, PLUS lose a privilege or time with friends. Maybe he would have to give up several Saturdays of time with friends in favor of reading up about the effects of drug and alcohol usage and turning in written reports to you based on his research (establish a minimum number of words or pages, and tell him he has to cite his sources; failure in this consequence will carry another, such as MORE Saturdays away from friends).

Had it actually been "the first time," I do think I would have warned him about a next time consequence, but also I would have tried to talk to him about what the heck happened this time, as well as talking with him about his knowledge of the effects of alcohol (whether he "wanted to talk about it" or not): does he know it's an anesthetic that could not only knock you out, but anesthetize you to death, given a sufficient quantity? Does he know it's a depressant? Does he know kids have died in hazings when forced to drink too much alcohol? Cite him sources on this -- use your Internet or your library. Was it "fun," drinking so much? Is he proud of himself? Does he think it was smart conduct? If done under the influence of another (peer, his brother), what does he think of the intelligence and/or good will of this other person toward him? (He doesn't have to confess anyone else's involvement -- just ask him hypothetically what he'd think of a person if they influenced him to drink himself unconscious. Under what circumstances would he influence a friend to drink himself unconscious?) I suggest you talk with him on these points if you haven't.

I'd also suggest you engage him in conversation about his life generally: would he rather, in an overall way, be unconscious rather than conscious these days? Is something troubling him? Is he depressed? Make it safe for him to talk to you about his inner world, by listening without criticism.

Finally, take a look at your own drinking habits. What do you model? If either of you two parents drinks irresponsibly, the best modeling for your kids would be for you to admit this and STOP. (Visit RationalRecovery.org for help if you need it.) If there is any alcoholism on either side of the family, let both your sons know that THEY ARE AT RISK in relation to alcohol; alcohol may do different things to and for them than it does to/for other kids.

Hope some of this is helpful, and good luck.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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