Dear Jean:

I have a 16 yr old sister. She is planning to have sex with her boyfriend of a few months. She got birth control already, but her boyfriend recently said he needed space. They still see each other, talk, go out, make out, etc. To me it seems he is still interested in his ex-girlfriend. Often times he puts her before my sister. I have tried explaining this to her and she says I don't understand him. Also, her frinds are not to thrilled with this guy either. It just seems she is much more serious about him than he is about her. I don't want her to sleep with him because she has all these feelings, and then be disappointed when he gets rid of her or whatever. Is there something I can do?? Please help. Thank you.

Jean responds:

You would be surprised at the number of letters we get on this topic--i.e., siblings wanting to know how they can influence their brother or sister to prevent their getting hurt. (In fact, it may be helpful to you to read some of these questions and our answers, posted at the Teen Archives .)

It is very painful to see one you love and are close to heading for hurt. While I don't think there's a great deal you can do (other than praying for her, if you're religious), I admire you for wanting to help,and it may not hurt to try once more to talk to her.

Try saying something like,

"(Sis), I know your life is none of my business. I know you're not asking me for advice, and probably anything I say you'll think is just me being bossy (or whatever she's likely to think--you know her better than I do!)."

"Still, I just want you to know that I love you, and from where I stand, it looks as if you're heading for a whole lot of hurt with (what's-his-name), and that makes me feel sad."

Then wait... if she wants to know more, she'll indicate that, and you can tell her your reasons. If she does give you a chance to add something, don't hit her with a hundred reasons why the guy is no good--just tell her ever so gently (because it hurts to hear this!) that she deserves to give herself sexually to someone who's a little more committed than what's-his-name seems to be.

If she's stand-offish, then back off, don't go into it. But you may add,

"Thanks for letting me say that, anyway. I'm sure you know I love you no matter what."

Just try to remember that adolescents don't come to maturity by magic... they grow by making mistakes. Your sister may be headed for a big one, but hopefully, with compassion and respect from those close to her, she'll learn from this.

I'm sure you're not putting yourself above her--for her to feel that you're coming from a superior place would really make it hard for her to try to hear your real concern. Try to emphasize that you're just trying to be a good sister, to stand "next to" her, not "above" her.

Good luck, and blessings your way....

Jean.
Disclaimer : Ms. Walbridge's response to your parenting question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face-to-face psychotherapy or consultation with a mental health professional.

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