Dear Jean: My daughter is 12 1/2 years old. Both my husband and I work, so she is home alone after school. Lately she has been very distractful, not getting her homework done until very late, and subsequently getting to bed late. I have taken TV and computer away, but the last couple of days I have come home to find that her homework is still not done, and she has gone behind my back and watched TV (when I ask her, she admits it). I am at my wit's end! My mother claims that it is "spring-time and hormones," but I don't know. Thank you for your time,

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for writing to parentingadolescents.com.

It's not easy for kids this age, period. Nothing is easy. Your mother is right that her hormones are beginning to change, as is her brain, as is her body, as are the people around her at school. She's preoccupied, for good reason. Not to have you there after school is a further hardship. I'm not blaming you or saying that you can change things, but I do think it's hard for one this age to come home consistently to an empty house.

You've tried to help her with that by structuring her time when you're not home, but as they approach adolescence, it's harder for them to adhere to rules and routines when no one is around to enforce them. This is a normal "side effect" of their healthy strivings for autonomy and finding their own identity. They begin not to tell you things, begin to lie at times, in ways they didn't so much when they were younger. This behavior is typical.

I advise parents of teens and pre-teens not to set limits they can't enforce. If you're not there, you can't meaningfully tell her she must or must not do stuff that she can in fact get away with doing or not doing. Maybe you could set up a reward program, whereby, if she has her homework done by the time you get home, you will...... whatever.....find what is rewarding to her:
spend time with her in front of the tv,
go out to dinner,
do something together that she likes,
or allow her a privilege not usually allowed.

A positive approach is more likely to work, I think, than a negative one of taking stuff away if she DOESN'T do her homework, which, as you are experiencing, is hard to do anyway when you're not there. Also, even though it may be difficult for you to hear, let her complain about coming home to an empty house, and confer with her on what might make it less lonely or difficult.

Hope this helps a little.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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