Dear Jean: I am the stepfather of my girlfriend's 13 and 10 year old daughters. I have respect issues with the 13 year old, she is asked to do something as simple as picking up something she left out of place and there is never just an O.K. but an excuse to delay and do it when she wants to. Then after being told NOW, we get an attitude as if we are the bad guy for "ALWAYS" yelling at her. I am the voice of reason in this relationship, I will go and talk calmly and directly to get across something that might be disturbing Mom and will warn that if the attitude continues then Mom will come in and be harsh. I talk till my face turns blue but it always seems to come down to the yelling and grounding. Then she walks around slamming things and picking on her sister to get her anger out and that just leads to harsher punishment.

What steps do we take with a teen with no respect and no care for whom she upsets as long as she gets her way and has no accountability for her actions? Everything that happens to her is not her fault in her eyes, she believes that she should be able to do, say, and act any way she wants and if we punish her she will even try to push it farther.

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for writing to parentingadolescents.com.

". . . she believes that she should be able to do, say, and act any way she wants. . ."
I think your 13 year old does not really believe this, but I get that it looks and feels that way. Try not to take this girl's behavior so personally. It's pretty normal behavior for adolescents. You see, they're striving for independence, and they're terrified that they won't be able to get there. The reason they're terrified (unconsciously--they'd never admit it b/c they're not aware of it most of the time) is that they've been dependent on parents for so long, and they're afraid that their own fear combined with parents' anxiety about letting them go and preserving parental authority will join forces and kill them, as it were. Kill their chances of becoming adults.

What you want to be doing with kids this age, in my opinion, is play it cool. They're going through tremendous changes inside and outside--everything about their world is changing, and it's really quite a hard period to get through (do you remember yourself at 13 and 14?), and they're preoccupied and feel generally "persecuted" by everyone. Your stepdaughter sounds like she fits right in! So you try to oppose their "hot" insides with your "cool" approach.

So what does playing it cool look like? Here's my view:

1) Ignore the small stuff--the way they eat, their attitude, the way they talk, the way they look, etc. Even leaving their dishes around. These are fairly harmless ways for them to assert their independence and remind you that "they are not you." So choose your battles. Unless one or more of these small things is tremendously important to you, I wouldn't push it. If it is tremendously important to you/her mother, then okay, tackle this one--but use the strategies suggested below, not talking (or yelling) and threatening.

2) Try never to use pleading, threatening, nagging, reminding, complaining. In areas that are problematic, you sit down with the child AS IF she were already adult, explain why the behavior is not acceptable (again, CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES--you can't be finding all kinds of behavior unacceptable, so stick to the important stuff that you either cannot stand or that threatens her safety and wellbeing). Then you DISCUSS with her (NOT ANNOUNCE TO HER) the consequence that will occur the next time she does the unacceptable thing.

3) When (not if) she does the unacceptable thing again, the consequence follows--automatically, without expressions of disappointment, dismay, criticism, etc. Make the implementation of consequences as much on the "adult level" as possible, as in: You park in the Handicapped Zone, you pay a fine. Period.

They need to be making CHOICES about their behavior. This makes them feel more grownup--and indeed it is more grownup. To make choices, she has to know what will happen if she does x, y, or z--like the signs posted at the no parking areas--they tell you what will happen if you park there, and then you're free to make your choice. (You still might choose to park there, by the way--under certain circumstances--knowing full well that if you're caught, you pay the fine.) So, if you set limits in specific areas, with consequences pre-announced, she's at choice, and you're at rest.

She may be picking on her younger sister because the younger one doesn't have to go through all this growing up stuff yet. She's very likely jealous of that child status--without knowing it.

It's very hard to be 13. Treat her with compassion, firmness, and respect, and you'll do okay with her. If you want a good book for parents of teens, try Riera, Uncommon Sense for Parents with Teens. A good one for organizing a stepfamily is Family Rules: Helping Stepfamilies Built Happy Homes.

Hope this helps a little. Welcome to parenting--and step-parenting--adolescents!

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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