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Dear Jean: Naturally, she "backslides" from time-to-time and goes back to wanting her father to herself, and wanting me not to do things with them. The problem is how she expresses her frustration when she's feeling neglected or not special--she really punishes her father (and now me, since we've grown closer) by being disrespectful and downright nasty. When she gets in these "states," she rolls her eyes, starts yelling, is incredibly condescending and unkind, and has been told that kind of behavior is unacceptable. Early on when it started happening, we explained that no one in our house was allowed to talk to anyone else like that, and she was expected to live by that rule too. We told her that if we didn't see improvement, we would talk to her about imposing consequences (loss of computer time, loss of TV time, etc.) for instances when our talks with her did not result in the behavior changing. Unfortunately, this took a while because she and her father had an unhealthy dynamic going where he engaged with her when she was out of control and allowed her to talk to him disrespectfully and unkindly. Also, her father was resistant to instituting consequences so we did this through a long series of family meetings. One of her bones of contention with me is that when I came along, she started getting called on her behavior toward her father and her Dad and I told her it had to stop. Recently, she's started up again with more and more frequency. Each time she does it, in the moment she is told that she cannot talk to us like that, it's unacceptable. After a few such incidents in a short period of time, we sat her down the other day and told her that when she speaks to us like that, she isn't heard--we literally cannot hear her when she talks to us like that because we shut down. Also, we reminded her of the house rule about how we treat each other with respect. We gave her an opportunity to tell us if there was something that was bothering her besides what she was angry about in that moment, but she said no (in the past she has been good about identifying when underlying things are bothering her). My husband has misgivings about consequences; he tells me his view is that you need to start treating the kid with respect and partnership when they become a teenager and that punishment and consequences are for little kids. I agree with him on some level but at the same time, how is she supposed to learn that she really can't do it if there are no consequences? I'm feeling really stuck, because it seems like her disrespectful, nasty way of talking to us is escalating lately. It's not constant, and we have lots of good times and resolution after the encounters, but my feeling is that they don't have to go as far as they do because we're the adults and we should just be able to say something like, "you know what? We're not going to have this conversation right now because we don't like the way you're talking to us and we're only willing to listen to what you have to say if you use a decent tone." I've told her that it's okay if she's mad at me, it's even okay if she tells me she's mad or frustrated, but she has to use a decent tone of voice. I also feel that if she continues to treat us disrespectfully, we need to have consequences in place (loss of computer use, TV time, money for activities w/friends) in case this continues to go on like it has with no improvement. I should add that I've made it clear that I'm not trying to be her mother, but as her Dad's wife and one of the adults in charge, I get to make rules like how people are treated in the home. So basically, help! My husband has told me I handle her beautifully; I'm always calm and patient, but firm, whereas her mother apparently screams at her a lot (I know that probably has something to do with how she acts but still I think there has to be a way to help her improve!). I've been able to let things go after her outbursts and our "family meetings" when we sit her down and talk to her about her behavior, but my patience is wearing thin. I need some guidance. She's a wonderful kid, and I am willing to do the work necessary, but as I said my patience is wearing thin. What we've been doing isn't working and I'm starting to build resentment. Thank you. Jean responds: Hi, Wow! It sounds like you're a fantastic stepmother, no joke. And you've gotten excellent results. Marrying someone with a teenager is a HUGE challenge, and yet you and your stepdaughter have managed to navigate terrifically difficult passages with what you must recognize as terrific success. Your own success may be part of what's fueling the "attitude" now. Here's what I mean: Kids this age are motivated towards two developmental tasks--(1) to become emotionally independent of parents and (2) to find out who they are/want to be/can become (exploring identity). In order to work on both, when they have basically no idea how to go about it, they do stuff like pick on and otherwise emotionally alienate the parents. At this point, you are significant enough to this child that you qualify as a parent (even though you emphasize that you are not her mother--always an excellent policy!). They need emotional SPACE, and you've been so good at building closeness, you may not be ready for the needed distancing. Your stepdaughter may not be doing anything more than the normal 13-y-o does; you just may not have been prepared for it. A few hints might help, but basically I think you're doing a fantastic job--you just need to know that this carping and bitching and moaning is NORMAL and par for the course and not feel like a failure when it occurs. You end up resenting her for making you feel like a failure--you're not. Neither is she. Here're the few hints: 1) Don't pursue her. Let HER come to YOU/her father for emotional contact, discussion, etc. I don't mean you should emotionally withdraw, but be more of a 'blank screen,' there to be tapped into--the typical parental role during adolescence is being 'on tap' for kids who need you one moment, reject you the next. 2) Begin to acknowledge her increasing adulthood--even when you can't exactly see it! Her dad has a point that you need to begin to treat her more and more like the adult you WANT her to become. Giving her increased freedom is one aspect of that, and an increased say in how things go around the house is another one. The more areas in which you can give her choice, the better. Suggestion: ask her whether she has some ideas about how the family meetings could be improved. 3) When she's using a really foul mouth (swearing, openly defiant, in-your-face), tell her the discussion is over until she can keep a civil tongue in her head. However, IGNORE eye-rolling, body language, a certain tone, some sassiness--remember, she NEEDS to distance you some. Let her. This is a fairly innocent way to go about it, if you think about it. I don't recommend further consequences for attitude. 4) LISTEN more than you talk at/to her. Try to listen in depth when she does talk to you, and give very little advice, criticism, opinion. Just listen. Be impressed with her increasing maturity and communicate this to her. 5) Steer clear of any comment at all about her mother. Listen to her on the topic, but bite your tongue. Her hormones, her body parts, her brain are all changing, and by definition she's moody and overwhelmed and doesn't think she's supposed to be. Be super-patient with her and keep a sense of humor. She'll grow out of it--in about ten years. Hope this helps a little. Jean. Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's
response to your question is |
since
December (her father and I were together a year before that).
We've worked through a lot of the typical jealousy stuff--she
was really concerned about losing her father to me--and are forging
our own, wonderful relationship. She remains somewhat possessive
of her father but it gets better and better with time. He spends
one-on-one time with her for at least two hours each weekend
she's with us (we have her week on, week off), which she loves
and makes her feel special. They also do unplanned activities
together, and we do things together as a family. I work at home
and pick her up and drop her off at school, and we spend some
great time together around that. Also, I've taken to watching
some of her TV shows with her and she enjoys talking about them
with me. Recently, she lost some weight and was engaging in what
I thought was some unsafe eating and I was able to talk to her
and get her to open up to me about it (she's fine, she had a
goal and has stopped losing weight, she just wasn't going about
it in a totally healthy way).