Dear Jean:

I have two questions for you. Will post them one after the other:

1) I have a 14 year old daughter. She is going through what you could call normal teenager behavior. Attitude problem, foul mouth, mockery, 14 going on 20, wanting more freedom, selective hearing, and so on. The other night we caught her smoking cigars, when she keeps saying she is dead against cigarettes. She says she thought cigars were not as bad - what are we to believe? Why oh why do I have to go through all this, when I look around and see mothers whose daughters are so quiet, so well balanced, and seem to go through adolescence on a smooth ride. Mine always seems to be in the middle of a "drama" (on overhearing bits of telephone conversations), involving peers at school etc. I know this is not right, but I find myself very sour over this, almost feeling resentment towards those "easy" daughters. Daughters that want to spend time with their dads, go boating, spend quality family time, watch movies with their mom, girlfriends etc. Mine always wants to go out w. friends (not always girls of course) always trying to extend curfews, chat online until we have to stop her, wants nothing to do with us - we have a boat too - but she's simply not interested in spending time with us. I do a lot of reading which makes me feel better that I'm not alone, yet most people I know with teenage daughters, have daughters who are so quiet and well behaved that it makes me sick! What did I do wrong?

2) Father-daughter clashing. I have not seen any posts regarding constant feuding between daughters and fathers. Does this only happen in our family? I find myself playing referee all the time, trying to mend broken pots all the time.. My husband often resents me for that, as I am constantly telling him to stop bickering or don't do this or that, or gesturing for him to stop, giving him looks, etc. You get the drift. But it makes me so mad that he doesn't seem to get that you can't keep picking on a teenage girl or it only gets worse.. he's always complaining about something she does or didn't do, etc. I'm in no way at a point where I know how to deal w. my daughter, but I'm making some efforts. No matter what I say, I can't seem to make him understand! I know he made an appointment w. a counsellor to discuss his problems dealing w. our teenager, dunno if it will help him, in the meantime, can you help? Give some advice, tips, even book recommendations? Sometimes I feel we will not get through adolescence, that our marriage will not survive all this stress. However it makes me feel better that he's willing to seek counselling for this problem - he admits he has a problem with that. I give him credit for this.

Thanks so much in advance,

At my rope's end

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for writing to parentingadolescents.com.

Wow, I am so impressed that your husband, ON HIS OWN, is going to counseling because he understands that he has trouble relating to his teenage daughter! You must be doing something right! That's so unusual...in my practice, I find the fathers of teens often are harder to get to re parenting advice than the mothers of teens, and I'm wondering if there are two reasons, especially when the teens are daughters:

1) Men generally may have more trouble with the 'authority' thing than women do: They often believe they are supposed to 'rule' over the house/the children, and along come teens who collide with their vaunted 'authority' role, and they are likely to respond by puffing out their chests and getting MORE authoritative, when what is required is that they back off and give the kid some space. Men may think more in win/lose terms, and teens sense puffed-up authority and will provoke like mad to contest this. Thus many power struggles ensue.

2) With teenage daughters, men often get confused by the emergence of sexualized feelings toward the daughters, whom they see developing into young women. They may be afraid of these feelings, whereas they are completely normal and even useful. Good fathers 'translate' this sexualized feeling into loving, admiring, and building up their daughters, thus increasing their daughters' self esteem and making them feel more secure around men. To the degree that the fathers are unconscious that such feelings may be there--afraid to admit them into consciousness--they may actively try to 'distance' the daughters, just as the daughters are motivated, developmentally, to try to distance both parents to some degree (although the daughters will also want the fathers' admiration and attention). I have one client whose father was so afraid of his feelings towards his teenage daughter that he criticized everything she wore--everything was always 'too revealing'--and stopped hugging her or touching her affectionately in any way throughout her adolescence. This hurt my client tremendously. Don't know if something like that is going on with your husband and daughter, of course, but it's not uncommon.

Many parents feel, as you do, that their kid is the bad one and other people's kids are the easy ones. Of course there may be some truth in that, but I doubt very much that it's as black-and-white, in reality, as it looks to you. Teens often present better in public or in front of others than they do in the privacy of their own homes and families.

It's great that you read a lot. Are you also making attempts to modify your own behavior, along the lines of suggestions in the books? It's possible that your daughter also longs for a calmer, closer home life--if she is in a war with her dad, that could be a major factor preventing a more serene relationship. But there's no question that quite often the waters are troubled during adolescence, and you have to ride it out.

By the way, have you and your husband looked at Karen Martin's Surviving Adolescence video? It may be more helpful than a book, especially for your husband. I'd also suggest you read Q&A's in the Archives related to independence and identity, as well as attitude--search on those words to bring up the relevant material. A good web site for your husband to visit might be Dads and Daughters.

Hope this helps a little.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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